Serious Bullshit!

THESE AREN'T THE DROIDS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

Apparently I love shit, so I stockpile it. I try to be as organized as possbile only to end up hiding things from myself. I clean up; I put everything where it is supposed to be because I'm tired of living in such a mess. When it comes time to find something I need after I've "filed" it away, I make a bigger mess than I had started off with originally. This doesn't just happen in the physical realm, either. It happens in the digital world I clutter up too. I'm tired of everything just sitting on my desktop, so I file it away in other folders so I can't find it ever again. I might as well use the trash can. Here is a bunch of stuff headed for the trash bin today:

Best Ad Slogan I've Seen This Week:
"A Handful A Day May Be Good For Your Heart" - Sure out of context it's funny. Maybe it's refering to sleeping pills or boobies. Actually it's talking about Mr. Planter's nuts. I can't wait until it catches on and everyone is wearing the t-shirts, or boy pants or I see it on my aspirin bottles.


Best Voicemail I've heard this week:
"Hey man, sorry to call you during business hours, but I had to call to tell you something of upmost importance. I'd hate to see you miss out on the McRib. That's right the McRib is back. You heard me ma...ands. Hold on I think that might be you..."

Best email I received this week:
I received the following email from our photographer at work. She is very pleasant to be around and I am humbled for the comments she made below.

Subject: Keep your hands where I can't see them

Email images look good. I like your touch. Doesn't sound really good at the workplace, sorry, but you finger your meat in my presence in your office sometimes too. equally inappropriate.

Later on I found out she was talking about my low-carb lunches.

Old Favorite Story About My Son(Recently replaced):
All I can say is apparently the handles(maybe an inch long) are different.

My son told me when he received a Mustafar play-set equipped with Anakin and Kenobi(regular SW action figure size) that the accompanying lightsabers were in the wrong persons hand. "The guy who made it must have put them in the wrong hands, so I took care of it. He probably just didn't know he did it."

Favorite Time To Get A Phone Call From An Old Friend(recently replaced):
3:43AM Friday 11/11

Old Favorite Quote From Gabriel(recently replaced):
"You got a point there."

Favorite New Retro-Quote:
"I thought I said be cool."

Not-So-Funny-Quote that caught me off gaurd:
"I think I need to take a grammar pill."

Best Scam:
When you take your dog out for a walk, and you know the neighboors are watching, but you don't really want to pick up after your dog, just bend over and pick up a handful of twigs or leaves, careful to avoid touching your dogs "business section". Make sure to wave on your way back up.

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 12:36 PM 7 comments

WHERE THE HELL DID IGOR COME FROM?

Before I forget, movies without music suck. Sure silent movies were first, but even many of them were accompanied by music. In 1931 "Frankenstein" was created without any music whatsoever. LAME. If you're anything like me you're just weireded out by a guy moaning about without any music playing in the background.

I recently watched "Frankenstein" and minutes later "Bride of Frankenstein". Bride was a bit better because it had music in it. I'm assuming anyone reading this does realize that the Monster is never referred to as Frankenstein and Boris Karloff(Narrorator - The Grinch Who Stole Christmas) is actually credited as THE MONSTER. And there is no one credited in the movie as Igor at all. This cracker's name was Fritz.

My son loves watching scarey old black and white horror movies. My guess is because they're not scarey. So it seems harmless on Halloween night to show him an old 1930's horror film over say "The Ring", right? Wrong...

"Fire: good." proclaims a blind fellow. Pointing to the fireplace in an attempt to extinguish the fear of fire the monster has.

"Smoke: good." as he shows the Monster how to smoke. And at the first puff the Monster enjoys it.

"Blind men don't know anything, Gabriel." I explain to my son who is now running around the apartment saying "Fire good. Smoke good."

"Woman... Friend... Wife..." The Monster totally throws me for a loop her. "Why don't you have a wife, daddy?" to which I respond "Shhhhh!"

And then the Bride shows up and screams at the first sight of the Monster. My son turns to me and says, "But they were made for each other, daddy." I can't even go into the complexities of how women are evil to my seven-year-old, so I just remark "Oh, she's a witch, Gabriel, kinda like your mo...ther's halloween costume 8 years ago."

I don't even know how to tell him who the bad guy was in the movie. I'm pretty sure it was me. The Monster was heroic, even though he accidently killed all of those innocent people too. Dr. Frankenstein kept almost dying and was for a good part of the movie a mad man, but the Monster saw he deserved to live.

"I love dead... hate living." I whisper to myself as I clean up the living room. So now I'm feeling like the monster in a world that just can't understand that deep down inside I had all the right intentions. I think next we'll watch Star Wars. Darth Vader...now there's a sinister guy with no redemable qualities.

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 11:33 AM 3 comments