HEAR YEE, HEAR YEE TO ALL FUCKFACES!!!
COME ONE, COME ALL TO THE OHIO RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL!!! TTTTTTTHHHHHWWWWWWTTTTT!!!
I'm glad I don't have to listen to the radio often, because for the fifteen minutes I forget and try again every few days, I hear SERIOUS BULLSHIT like the plug for the ORF.
I'm overjoyed that I don't hear flamboyant fluting as a backdrop for a conversation of two people who have no concept of the English language, much less the ability to read from a card that has words they've never heard spoken before.
"Hearest thou art possibly finding oneself a coward doth not make hast to the Ohio REN FEST"
"Avass, Please to be kindly in a manner of plugging thy own buttocks with the head that doth sit privy on your own true shoulders."
Unfortunatley they've gone a different route this year. They got a big band feel all sponsered by Kroger. Did you catch that? A Festival in HARVEYSBURG OHIO, brought to you by KROGER celebrating the ENGLISH RENAISSANCE with a BIG BANG SOUND...
Oh wait, I just logged on to the homepage and realized that they hold weddings at this event too. Bahahahahahahahaaaaaaa...
aha aha ahhhhhhhahahahahahahahaaa...
Never the fuck mind.
ha ha aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa ah ah o oo oooohh.
IF A MAN YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE SUDDENLY GIVES YOU FLOWERS...
I gave this girl flowers once when I didn't really know her. I thought it was a good idea...and it was the Impulse® that made me do it. It didn't turn out as I had planned. She thought I looked better with a black eye and three broken ribs. I got to stare at those flowers the whole time I was in traction, well after they had died.
I'm an old-school romantic. I remember in high school, the first time I kissed a girl was on her hand. It was also one of the last times I kissed a girl until I graduated. So my romantic endeavors were stunted at that level as well.
I mean I wore a stethascope around my girlfriend's saying things like, "Let's see...how does that feel? Good...Goooood", but I'm not really a perverted jerk. I just like to make the ladies happy. I think my deal is that I'm way sweeter than most women are today. Sounds lame, perhaps, but hey I'm still just trying to get into her pants too.
I think women these days have wised up to this mentality. Of course this is why I cannot hit on a girl either. I feel like I'm insulting her intelligence. There can only be one reason for me to talk to her or buy her a drink or go down on her and her friend that needs to wax - I want to be friends...with her vagina.
You can't just give a girl flowers these days though. You do that and you're likely to get slapped or hit with a restraining order or a taser. You gotta be more inventive or have a lot of money so they won't remember a thing from all the booze they've drank.(Today's woman has a much higher tolerance than ever before)
Here are some tips on how to get a girl's attention from an oldschool romantic:
- Show her you don't care She'll never leave you alone again. Seriously be the only guy that doesn't seem interested in her at all.
- Be supportive Pay her twice what she's asking. Then have a friend beat her up so she'll never think it was you that took everything she made that night
- Become more cultural and learned Women love an international guy. Go to her country, learn her language, and have the ceremony in English. She won't be able to say "No."
- Be mysterious Wear a mask. It worked for that guy Stewart in Revenge of the Nerds.
- Practice good grooming habits Shave. Shave all the time. Shave every part of you. It seems women don't really like the "bad boy" look anywhere below the chin.
- Be respectful Stop calling them bitches. Naaaaaaaah, I'm just foolin'.
- Treat children and animals with respect You'll find most women don't think they have any business in the bedroom anyhow.
- Be attentive to her concerns Remind her when she brings it up, that sleeping on the wet spot is far greater than sleeping on the floor.
- Remember her name It's a lot easier to act like an admiring friend than a creepy stalker when confronted by her friends.
