AWWWW...THANK YOU.
That's right I said it - "Thank You". Now guess what it means? You got it yet?
"Thank You" is merely the nicest thing to say when on the spot and you really don't know what to say. It means, "I really don't appreciate that(or at least not from you.)" Yeah people don't use the phrase "Thank You" when they mean it unless they attach it to a heartfelt reasoning. They just say it to be nice, or when they'd rather not look as repulsed as they feel.
I think mom's are the only one's who mean it, b/c they love everything about you anyway - Like when you were 6 and you picked a bunch of dendelions growing in your yard and gave them to her. She put them in the kitchen window and kissed you and said "Thank You" and she meant it.
Think back to when you were a young adult, but not living at home anymore. Your parents paid for a big meal for you and your family and maybe even some friends. You want to let them know you appreciate it so you say, "Thanks, Dad", but really you just expected. You know you certainly weren't the one who was going to pay for everyone. In this sense, thank you simlpy means, "Damn Straight."
Say you just kissed someone for the first time and they respond with "Thank You." This means never do that again. There is a fine line between being SWEET and being a WIERDO FREAKAZOID MCSPAZATRON. Mostly it's determinded by how cute you are.
Two men can do the same damn thing for a woman where she'll be grossed out by the same thing that makes her fall in love with someone else. One will get an "Awwww, Thanks." and the other will get a blow job.
"WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND"
I miss the good old days when I had to worry about getting drunk and passing out on some strange person's couch only to realize where I was when I woke up at 5am. Then trying to leave and surmizing I didn't drive there either...or wear pants getting there. Even if my car were there, where the hell would my keys be?
So when I went to a bedroom to get a ride back to my car all I could hear is the moaning of what sounds to be two guys pleasureing a girl and a goat named Mr Roarke behind the door I just knocked on. (You know those goats will eat just about anything.) "Please don't answer the knock. Please don't answer the knock."
Now I worry about traffic and spending $300 a week on gas to get to work and if I've already taken my vitamin today.
Life doesn't have to be as adventerous as a goat, a girl and two dudes, but it doesn't have to suck quit this much either.
WHY TYPE OF CANCER ARE YOU?
It's time mankind wised up and realized what kind of plague we are to our planet and even to ourselves. Answer the questions below and tally up your score to see exactly what kind of cancer you are:
1. What do you smoke?
2. Given the choice, you would prefer:
3. Favorite Video Game Character:
4. Favorite make believe sexual situation
5. Favorite aphorism for taking a shit
6. How often do you masterbate?
7. What is a triumphalism?
8. Pick a number between 1-6. Use that answer to figure out what type of cancer you are below:
1. Lung Cancer
You're pathetic. No one respects you. Often referred to as a self-inflicted illness. You are indeed your own worst enemy.
2. Prostate Cancer
You glutonous sack of shit! You like to sneak up on people acting like you're buddies, when really you're going in for the kill. Fortunately a litte lifestyle change and no one has to see you again.
3. Testicular Cancer
You cold frigid bitch!!! You're all about the sex, or the lack there of. God you remind me of my ex-girlfriend.
4. Throat Cancer
You ain't so bad. I can still smoke around you. Sometimes you don't allow people to speak so well, but who really needs to open their damn yapper that much? Everybody gonna die someday.
5. Breast Cancer
You attack beauty pure and simple. You often times find yourself disliking something simply because everyone else seems to like it.
6. Not a cancer
Sike!!! You're brain cancer. You're the sick fuck who can't help but fuck with people's minds.
I HAD THAT DREAM AGAIN LAST NIGHT
You were there. We started off as just kids growing up in a small town. We both lived next to the cardboard box refining factory. I remember the smell was so strong we weren't aloud to play outside too much because our parents thought the smell would give us brain tumors. Really I just think our parents didn't like having to wash that smell out of our clothes. Come to think of it, I don't think your mom liked doing the laundry at all. Your clothes were often stained with the mess you had made the last time you wore them.
I didn't mind so much being around the kid with the dirty clothes all the time. What really bothered me was that song you used to always sing. How did it go? "When the log rolls over, I will drown, dooooo do do do, do do do do." Yeah, something like that. I remember I wasn't the only one to hate it. Remember that girl? What was her name? She hated it so much she would beat the piss out of you during recess. Your mom said she just had a crush on you until she drove that railroad spike through your pinky toe. You remember her now don't you? She's the one who stole her dad's pick-up and tried to run you over because she told you if she caught you singing that stupid song one more time she was going to kill you dead? God she was so pretty. What was her name?
Remember when I went to the emergency room because she had a severe lazy eye and hit me instead? I was in critical condition. No, my body was going to be just fine, but she had stolen my heart and I didn't know how I was going to make it out of there alive without her. I faked some internal bleeding for weeks just so she'd feel bad and come visit me in the hospital. Thing is she felt real good to me. I can't believe I can't remember her name. She used to do that thing with her neck were she'd just lay there and look all dead until that day the cops came by to pick you and me up for her murder. She had a great sense of humor. I can't believe you got all mad at her. It's not like we didn't make a lot of new friends.
I meant to tell you I met that guy with the apple cobbler tattooed on his forehead. He's a car salesman out in Brussekport. He tried to sell me a car(said he'd give me the "Insider's Special"). I remember when those guys gave you the "Insider's Special" in prison. You cried for weeks and I ate all of your solid foods, because you couldn't do nothin' but drink stuff. I must have gained twelve pounds that same month.
Nothing will beat when we broke out and worked in that trailer as short-order cooks. God you know we had so many good times together, it's a shame those bikers ripped out your tongue after you refused to taste the same food you had been serving them. Hey, wait I think I got a picture of that night...YES!!! There you are!
Yeah, I mean it was nice you couldn't sing anymore, but then that brought that girl...damnit what was her name?!
Sorry, I know how you can't stand it when I curse.
I guess that song wasn't so bad after all.
I wonder what ever happened to that girl. it's like she fell off the face of the Earth.
SO I'M DOIN' THIS CHICK
The Wind-UpHave you ever watched a horrible movie, but for some reason you felt you had to sit through it just to see where it was all leading? How could all this possibly end well? I was in a relationship like this once, unfortunately it didn't last for two hours, but two weeks. This is a kiss and tell horror story, that for once I didn't make up. I'll protect all the names of the innocent by remaining to call myself Jagamar and referring to Susan Mayer of 1422 Tranquility Ln, Delaware OH, 43320-1447 as "Asil".
The PitchWe hit it off pretty well. We're the same age. We're both gorgeous supermodels who have to force ourselves to eat candy bars so our clothes still fit. We both thought I was great in the sack. We live real close to each other... Ummm, in hindsight that might have been all we really had in common. She thought that was more than enough to run with.
Foul BallOn our first outing, I made my first mistake. She invited me back to her place and I refused to sleep with her. Oblivious to how horrible I was making things look I repeated this on our second time out. Apparently my lack of interest was viewed as "You're so special I wouldn't dream of deflowering such a perfect angel this early in our relationship."
Well we all believe what we want to believe. That's why I stuck around as long as I did. I had never had anyone tell me such amazing and wonderful things about myself. She would tell me how great I was at everything. I'll try to be vague for those of you who know me and would really rather not envision me in certain situations, but when I said everything, I meant "Everything". Yeah, I mean I did eventually give in to that too.
Strike One: The Jew Dog
I went to a friend's house and brought Asil along. We were talking about Hebrew National Hot Dogs, which she affectionately called "Jew Dogs." I acted all embarrassed and said to Asil while pointing at a friend of mine, "Asil, SHE'S a Jew Dog!"
Later, halfway through the drive home she explained to me how she hoped she hadn't offended anyone with the "Jew Dog" comment. I let her know I was just kidding about that. She got upset and told me she didn't know my friends and felt like she was the butt of my joke. I explained to her how she didn't really know me either then, because I would never say "She's a Jew Dog" within listening distance of the accused.
The Change UpFor someone who was so amazing in her eyes she sure wanted to change a lot about me. I'm not used to that and was put off by it immediately. I had only known of this woman for three weeks and she was planning to:
•Change my wardrobe
•Have me get a manicure
•Meet my son/Not Meeting my son
•Have me meet her parents
•"Spend more time together"
Strike Two: The Babysitter
"You need to get a babysitter, so we can spend this time getting to know each other more."
I agree we do need to get to know each other better, but I've never met anyone worth sacrificing my time with my son after just two weeks of dating. Besides my time with my son is not my time to sacrifice.
Heckling The BatterI'm no player. I really have no game. If anything I'm just careful not to get hurt or lead anyone on. I tried to use my wording best I could. I was as direct as I could be within the awkward situation I had been placed:
"That was the best first date I've ever had. Is that the best first date you've ever had?" - Asil
"..." - Jagamar(I was trying to keepmy eye on the road)
"Wow, that is just so amazing. I have never had orgasms that deep and amazing before. Don't you think this is the best sex you've ever had?" -insane
"I really enjoyed it" - the uncomfortable nodding jerk
"Would you call what we're doing fucking, or making love?" -crazy insane
"Ahhhhh...I call it sex" - the typical male
"Well at least we know we're sexually compatible." - girl who accidently slipped herself her own GHB
"I could tell that when I saw you had boobs." - insensitive prick
Covering The BasesAfter hearing how much she had so quickly drawn herself to me, I felt obligated to tell her:
•We do need to get to know each other better
•With all of the greatness you see in me already, I hope I don't disappoint you
•I don't think I'm as great as you think I am(Not in bed, I do rock!)
•Sometimes I still forget your name
Strike Three: You Whore!
A late night of drinking led to a line at Taco Bell, per her request. On the way home in the car, she says to me that guys are in relationships for sex and girls are in them for a closer, stronger connection. It's true that most men ARE pigs, but I couldn't let her get away with saying something like that. After a short battle of "Nu'uh and Ah'uh" I politely stated that she was way more into sex in our relationship than I was. She then relayed to me that I was being a dick. To which I responded in a less than polite way, "Not any more than you're being a bitch." She passed by my place and drove herself home telling me that I could sleep alone tonight. As she exited the car I told her to take her drink with her because I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with it. It wasn't clever. If anything it was a set-up for her to get in a good one before she left. She didn't take it, but she did tell me off nonetheless.
Apparently she thought I was calling her a whore. Here's the equation I've come up with to support her theory:
XY=W=A, whereas XY=All Men; W=Whores; A=Asil; Asil=Susan Mayer (614)367-1503.
Good Game, Good GameWell I knew all along that she cared about "US" a bit more than I did. I thought to myself, maybe I'll get there too. It never happened. What started out as less than a friendship had finally come around full circle in just two short weeks.
I'll end this now with our parting text messages I started just to show "No Hard Feelings":
"Sorry about the way things worked out last night. Sorry I let you down. Guess I'm not who you thought I was after all. Don't hate me. I meant you no harm." - Jagamar
"No you are not you chose to be an asshole you were nasty rude and disrespectful." - Asil
"Clear 2 c you're still upset. Truly sorry this affected you this way, nothing else. I wasn't trying to apologize about my behavior. We were both out of line." - All-American Asshole
"I am deeply saddened with you" - A woman scorned
WHEN I GET MARRIED IT'S GOING TO LAST FOREVER!
I was exchanging correspondence with a friend about how I recently found out I've been paying too much child-support. I mentioned how the CSEA will keep the money I overpaid until I am done making all of the payments necessary when my son turns 18.
His Response"Are they really making you wait 12 years to get money you were mistakenly overpaying? Did they not give all the money to [your son's] mom? Were they keeping it separate? I don't get it."
My ResponseThink of marriage as a constant/temporary game of indian-wrestling where you're holding on to the other person but you never want to lose your own footing. Now if you do loose your footing you lose the marriage. While you're trying to regain your step, the winner puts on a strap-on and is allowed to drill you in any hole they desire, or even make a new hole should they so choose.
Since the divorce she has gained the world's greatest baby-sitter, where I pay her to watch her child while I don't get to eat anything out of her fridge or watch movies on her cable. Also I have to live in a crappy little apartment with my mom that is within reasonable driving distance of wherever she decides to live with the man for whom she left me.
Now paying child-support is like a secured credit card, where I have to put the money into the account first or I can't use it. Now forget about me using it at all. Only she can use it and for anything she wants, no questions asked.
It is as if I have an 18-year lease on a new child. Ultimately, I have a set amount I have to pay on that child, but it could go up depending on how big of a bitch she is.
Another view is that I am the state of Rhode Island(The only state to ever file for bankruptcy), and she won the Rhode Island Lottery payable in 216 monthly payments simply for being an adulterous wench. Can't win if you don't play!!!
