AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS, VOLUME ONE
Now on DVD - America's Funniest Home Videos: Volume One
Who the? What? There is a volume one? Why would anyone buy this unless they were the grand prize winner or runner up that season? I imagine they probably already got a copy of it on video for being on the show anyway. Really, maybe an America's Funniest Home Videos: The Grand Prize Winners, but a new DVD that implies I'm going to want to start cataloging this crap at home?
WHO decided there was a market for this? I know it's great to have TV on DVD now. Go back and watch all the episodes you missed or want to share with someone of Xena: Warrior Princess. What are you going to do with THIS DVD?
Can anyone truly tell me which clip of a man getting hit in the nuts by his child was the best? Like Trekkies who can quote specific episodes, are there people out there who would argue that the man getting hit in the nuts by his son in season 3, episode #46 is way more "Funniest" than in season 13, episode #483?
Does this DVD have deleted scenes of Mr. Saggat trying to do some of his original stand-up routine? If you've seen it, it's nothing like this show. How about scenes they couldn't show you on television like when I was hiding in my parents closet as a kid and then they decided that would be a good time to be intimate. I may have ensured my "middle-child" status that day.
Maybe there's episodes where someone sent in a video clip of someone dying or getting horribly wounded by uncle jackass's stunts but they couldn' show you on TV. What are we to look forward to next? A DVD of COPS where the criminal got away and the cop was shot in the back after his emergency brake failed and his cruiser provided no cover for him as it sunk into the marina?
Look I've seen AFHV and I remember cats falling off of televisions and someone riding a snowmobile into a ditch. I remember parrots acting like they're drunk and children singing a song until they realized they were being taped, then screaming in horror of the embarrassment(This may have only happened after the first season). I remember that dude who cried during his own wedding and the other guy who passed out reciting his vows. I remember when grandma broke her hip and when grandpa thought it was cool to take out his glass-eye at family functions. I remember when my older sister called from college saying that she wanted to drop out and become a Gypsy. I remember when Schneider made the announcement that a celebrity had just moved into the building, a race car driver named Cam Randolph. I remember when the PTA rejected the Seavers as dance chaperones. I remember when we all went to Mankato and paw and Mr. Edwards realized Rose had been kidnapped, but ended up finding her on Christmas Eve.
What I'm saying is that these are MY Favorite memories are not for sale on some DVD for the world to share. That's what makes them so special or funny or embarrassing. Putting them out there for the entire world is just obnoxious. No thank you. I'm saving up my money for Girls Gone Wild, Volume 7.
THE FUCK YOU LAUGHIN' AT?
Did I ever mention how people suck? Hanging with your friends is one thing, but when you're looking for a good time at the office, if it's anything like my workplace, it's no damn good. Most of the people in my office have worked there 20+ years. They grew up together in the same town and are probably related within 4° of separation. They aren't my favorite people in the world, but I spend more time with them than anyone else. I got this idea that it would make things easier for me if I got them to like me.
Humor is a great way to let people know you pose no threat to them, unless you're made to feel like a total ass any time you open your mouth. My attempts at making people like me at the office have failed horribly for one reason or another. Here's some of the ways I have let them down:
Forgotten Punchline - I walk into the office and I just know this is it. Once I tell them this joke, they're going to start refering to me as "The Jokeman". They're going to start relying on me for all of their daily humor. I'm excited and can't wait to lay it on them. Here comes "Mr. Soon-to-be-popular". I'm already thinking of the people I'm gonna snub.
Well it doesn't get a lot funnier than someone who's laughing so hard at their own joke they can't even tell it, unless I can happen to wrap it all up with a "Wait, how's it go again?" or "So then the horse says...no wait the guy says to the horse...that's not how it goes. Damnit! Where are you going? Bill?...hooh, Bill?"
At that exact moment, people don't think the water cooler is that fun to hang around and just start walking away pretending they were never there and you're not still talking.
Later on I was reaching into the office pop corn bag and these two bitches pulled the bag away from me. The one with the big hairy mole on her face said "We'd really appreciate it if you could please wash your hands before you reached into the bag" or just bring my own popcorn to work.
Had to Be There - Okay, this one is sure to have them calling me "Mr. Spectacular Fantastic". How about the greatest laugh of all time that you can never relive. You try to explain to someone how much you and your friends were laughing, "I'm serious, blood shot out of Rico's eye socket and someone had to go home early for shitting his pants."
Now you've got their interest, but to tell them the story about how you got kicked out of DENNY'S® within two minutes of getting your table at 1am when you were 16, they hold their heads in a disgusted frown only moving their eyes wondering if anyone thought the story was amusing so they can start ignoring them too. Sometimes it's just best if you have the sense to never bring it up again, but you have to redem yourself right? The only thing that ever sounds right is, "Well I guess you had to be there...It's probably best that none of you were."
I Cunt Here You I read somewhere that in prison the best way to survive is to find the biggest jerk in there and hold your own against him. This will gain you respect. So I go up to "Senora Farts-don't-stink" and I try to befriend her.
Ever been busted out on this one? Laughing at someone's jokes only to have them ask you what did I say that was so funny?
"Hahahaa...What?"-Me
"Seriously, what part were you laughing at?"-Farts-don't-stink
"Uhhhh,the part you just said."-Me
"What did I just say? You didn't even hear what I said did you?"-Farts-don't-stink
"Uhhhhmm...let's,let's go."-Me
I walk away in shame only to realize I was beaten by a girl, and she's going to be riding my ass from here on out.
SCOREBOARD:
Senora Farts-don't-stink - 1
Mr.Spectacular Fantastic - 0
Mistaken Punchline Along the same lines, maybe not quit as embarrassing, but uncomfortable nonetheless. I caught myself laughing at someone only to realize that's not what was said at all?
"Dude, [did] you just say eggplant? That is hilarious!"-ME
"No, I said EXCELLENT, like Mr. Burns."-Jokester
"Oh"-Me
Hot Topic - how about the critical thought you've put into something topical you heard about on the news today. You put a little bit of your own spin into it and nobody gets it. Aparrently you're the only one who listens to Opie & Anthony on your way to work, but come on somebody has got to laugh at a dumpster full of dead babies,right?
Pity Laugh What if you're on the other side of a joke you don't get. At least try to laugh. That's all they want right?
"Next time I'll use a #1 iron, even God himself can't hit that!
...
Do you get it?"-Me
"Yeah, um I thought it was pretty smart. Hoh...I liked it."-Bitch Who Thinks My Hands Are Too Dirty For The Office Popcorn
I spend too much time laughing at other people's joke when they're not funny only hoping someone will do the same for me. I'm just goin to put the headphones back on and talk to no one like that guy eating the cereal on the commercial where they're trying to fire him. Don't these assholes know I used to be a big shot at my old job? My mom still thanks I've got it. Guess I'll try again tomorrow.
CHINESE, JAPANESE - LOOK AT THESE!
mmmMMMMMmmmm...I just made myself some pork chops for the first time in my life. They're excellent.
PORK CHOPS. Pooooooorkkkk...Chooooppppsss.
Here are some other hilarious* terms that I did not make up**:
• Amputatious - Worthwhile of loosing a limb or other important body part. (I.e. Trying to conceal his erection with his sweater, Javier proclaimed "She's so amputatious, I'd give my left nut just to fuck her in the mouth.")
• Complexications - Complex fuck up. Often used in a demeaning, blaming manner.
• Dumples - Dimples on a fat ass; very hard to tan.
• Elemenopeeing - Slurring "L" "M" "N" "O" and "P" together when doing the alphabet at 3am on the side of the road.
• Ginkobalowme - Negative term used for a placebo that most likely had someone fooled.
• Hyprocrat - Anyone involved in politics who has no business being involved in politics. Most likely a Hollywood actor.
• Puntangy - Really great tasting. (i.e. Trying to conceal his erection with his sweater, Jesus proclaimed "Javier, your moms chops sure were puntangy last night."
• Viagrable - Unattractive. Could only keep one's excitement with a full dose of pills that keep showing up in my fucking e-mail from people whom I've never met. (I.E. Dude, she ain't even viagrable.)
• Wuzzat - Usually spoken with a disgusted squint, the natural response when first hearing "wazzup" and can't figure out what was just said by someone previously thought to be cool.
• Yodiot - Any Dumb-ass who think it's funny to talk like their favorite Sci-Fi character.
TRY TO USE AS MANY AS YOU CAN IN ONE POST!
*I may be speaking out-of-line, but I think you should laugh.
** Please note: I am a very bad man who often lies, however I am quite Amputatious.
