THE GREATEST INVENTIONS - PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE PERFECT
GREAT INVENTIONS:- The Apple Slicer - Cuts to the core and omits the seeds. Yummy.
- The LightSaber - Once an ancient weapon used in a galaxy far far away by Jedi Knights. Now a noisy, cheap, plastic replica. Why couldn't I have it this nice when I was a kid?
- Barcodes - My first tatoo is going to be my KROGER PLUS CARD barcode. Now that's convenience!
- The Toilet Handle Flusher Thing - Say goodbye, shit! Sure anybody can poop in a hole, but this permanent household fixture creates a quick, responsible, safe way to ensure no one has to deal with your shit ever again, right?
- The Internet - I don't ever need to leave the house anymore. I can work from home and date from home and even shop from home. WOW!!! I just got Results 1 - 10 of about 76,000,000 for my favorite food. I'm gonna look up blowjob.
- God - Before the one all powerful, there were many spiteful and angry. Fortunately now we've all come to understand the truth and everybody is happy. Thanks God!
- Irony - I use it mostly as a guideline to let me know just where my life is headed next.
HONORABLE MENTION:- The Cellular Phone - Would be a great invention if I didn't move out of my calling range while standing still.
GREAT INVENTIONS TO COME:- The Digital Life Recorder(DLV) - Fast-forward, rewind, record, slow down and even pause all of your life's best moments for real.
- The Car Made Out Of Water® - "Holy fucking shit! I'm driving a car made out of fucking water! Yippie yahoo hooray! This is the best day ever! Lick my butthole, Mr. President of America!"
- The Instant Karmalizer - This ought to keep everybody from being such pricks! Forget to turn your signal on - Loose a wheel. Steal from a friend - Loose an eyeball. Sleep with your neighbor's wife - fated to eat your own genitals. And it's instant! So no one questions if they're just unlucky or in the wrong place at the wrong time when their house burns down after scratching a neighbors car while parking.
- The Gaydar Jammer™ - Seriously, who really needs to know your business?
OH, YOU'D LIKE MY CAT
How is it that people think they can convince you to like something that you have strongly disliked for years?
"I don't like cats."
"Oh, you'd like my cat." they say.
"Really? I'd like your cat... We're all different people with different dreams, ideas, and opinions. But we all have someone like you in our lives who decides we need to be a bit more like YOU are. Well every time I've tried sweet potato since kindergarten, I've thrown them up. What makes you think that the shear mention of the word doesn't make me sick to my stomach? I'm sure I'd love YOUR casserole or pie or whatever the fuck you make out that horrible horrible Earth-poop.
I'd like YOUR cat?!!! I have a cat and I don't even like IT. What makes you think your cat is any different than any other cat? Is it because it isn't really a cat?
Ohhhhhhh, you mean that cat?"
I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE
Oh really? Well here are a few scenarios where you may not want to subscribe to the aforementioned ideal:
• Going down on a prostitute
• A friend suggests that you donate blood just before a night of binge-drinking
• You're dared to rub tobasco sauce into your nose, eyes and butthole
• Going into work without any pants, where normaly you would wear pants
• Kidnapping your neighbor because she will never sleep with you again
• Carrying a concealed weapon to traffic court
• Starting your own nude beach in the backyard
• Watching porn with your mom
• Eating just one potato chip
• Running a marathon with an ingrown toenail
• Sewing your friend's crack shut in their sleep
• Calling a cop a "Pig" as you drive by with a million dollars worth of uncut coke in your vehicle
• Stealing from a handicapped child, someone already beat you to it
• Publishing a blog 'cause you think you're so damn funny
As you may have guessed, with the exception of stealing from the child, these are all things you'll need to start doing on a regular basis, and trying them once just won't cut it.
Please note: Despite what my blog may suggest, I have done none of these things.
PLAYER 2 NEEDS FOOD BADLY!
I miss the old days when you could go into a video game arcade, find that guy who was always playing the four-player Gauntlet game and pump quarters into it to play beside him. The idea of cooperative play with someone you'd never met before was pleasing. I had met that guy before and he was a prick. He thought people loved to play along side of him because he rocked at all the games. I preferred to select all the remaining characters and take off running, deserting my hopeful companion. If you know the game, you'd know why you had to run; never walk away.
A MOONLIT RUN
The day was hot, but the night was perfect for a run. When I started out the sun was still setting, but the moon was as luminous as it would be the rest of the night. The fireflies were myriad like I had escaped to an enchanted meadow never before touched by another. I relaxed into a peaceful smile. I felt as if my journey in life had lead me to this point to discover some real meaning. As I progressed through the night, I felt little pain.
I remember my last run was uninspiring. I was poorly hydrated and tired. My mind was occupied with defeating feelings of loss. I couldn't release the thoughts of workday stress. I was consumed with worry and even loneliness. I had asked myself, Is this the path I have taken in life, and was this all the distance I traveled? Had I become the person I had always envisioned? Was I running away from something or trying to catch up to my potential?
Tonight was different. I ran strong like I was finishing a race despite the distance I had traveled. After some time I felt sore, but I felt no exhaustion. Like bread-crumbs of my journey, I drenched the pavement with the worries of my life, but there was no turning back...not tonight. Nothing was going to stop me this evening. I felt empowered. This was the best run so far. This was the run of my life. With every step I knew I was progressing on my path.
Maybe it was the inspiring magnificence of the world preparing for the night all around me. Maybe it was the feeling of finally running on my own, leaving my last love behind on my own terms. Maybe it was the new unfamiliar trail I had stumbled upon. Maybe it was the neighbors crowding around my trail chanting, "YEAH!!! Ruuuuuuun! You better run, cracker-ass cracker!"
Yeah, that was it. Nothing motivates like fear. Next week I think I'll run from a stray dog or maybe even the cops.
FINALLY (Part 2)
Hollywoooooood!!! You finally caught on! You've given us movie sequels such as:
• Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
• Jaws 4: The Revenge
• Seed of Chucky
• Amityville 3-D
• Batman & Robin
• City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
• Back to the Future III
• Breakin'2: Electric Boogaloo
And if that weren't enough you decide to tell the story backwards with such movies like:
• Excorcist: The Begining
• Tarzan II
• Star Wars: Phantom Menace
• The Lion King 1½
• Batman Begins
• Red Dragon
• Dumb & Dumberer
There isn't much difference between the two lists above. Some did well, some did better! Hollywood, you've been able to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm sure I could do the same thing with a six-million dollar budget.
Maybe it's all that Lucas guy's fault. I mean after Superman 3, people were all "Wow, they've really stepped in it. I won't be seeing another one of those movies", because it was a sequel. But after The Phantom Menace, a prequel, people were actually thinking, "Man that one stunk. Maybe the next one will be better."
Now the true test cometh. I dare you to make these prequels, hollywood:
• Robocop: Regular Cop
• The Karate Kid: Miagi's Illegitiamte Children
• Look Whose Talking: Daddy Drank
• 1983 A Space Odyessy: Earth
• The Friday before last
• The Piano: The God Damn Piano
• Pretty Woman: Sex Change
ps. seriously thanks for Batman Begins. That one rocks.
YOU ROCK!
You support our troops overseas fighting for our freedom and hope for their safe homecoming.
You appreciate that there are POWs that may never return, but you pray they will find their shinning light that leads them back to us.
You recognize those who have fallen in battle as "Gone but never forgotten" because you know how precious life and freedom are.
You respect The Fraternal Order of Police and it's more than 318,000 members. No one knows the dangers and the difficulties faced by today's police officers better than the FOP.
You and me, hey we even listen to the same radio station. We're probably listening to the same thing right now.
You're from Montgomery County. I was born in Montgomery County!
You drive a green 2005 Honda Civic Hybrid Sedan. Green because you recognize how much we rely on this Earth. A hybrid because you've done your research and realize that every little bit can help preserve our dwindling supply on finite resources.
You express yourself capaciously though, when you cut everybody off around you on the road. That's not the kind of freedom our troops are fighting for, Asshole!
Maybe you just borrowed a friend's car, that would explain why you can't find the turn signal switch. But who the hell puts a dream-catcher on their rearview mirror?!!! Are you planning on catching a couple of ZZZZs on your way to pick up the kids? You egomaniacal prick!
SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY!!!
This isn't new, but I dare anyone to randomly find a better website. Wether you're a true believer or a skeptic, this site will move you in one way or another.
Jesus!!! With you alwaysI welcome your comments and look forward to feedback on this truely astounding website.
CATCH A TIGER BY HIS TOE
You can't control anyone in this world except yourself...and some even have issue with that. I mean there's no point in trying to stop people from being assholes at work, on the street or even online. Even the very blood we raise turns on us sometimes. Sure there are cases where we can just ignore it, but there are some times where we really feel like we're making the world worse off by turning a blind eye to it.
Let's take a look at
Online Sexual Predators. These bastards could be anywhere. And they are everywhere. I mean I don't know any, but I know of many. Now wait, I'm not saying I lead a sheltered life. I could know some if I wanted to. You know what? I probably already do. And that's just my point so far. We never really know where they are, and we can trust no one. Well here's how to turn the tables on these fuckers and make our online experiences more enjoyable for everyone. If all who qualify just do it once, word will spread around and we'll have greatly reduced the horror that these scoundrels create.
QUALIFICATIONS
- You have to not be an online sexual offender
- You should be a person of immeasurable strength
- Own a computer with Windows 95 or later or Mac OSX
- You will need access to the Internet and will want to check out some online "prey", if you will, to understand our victims
- You will need a strong stomach for such things as cutesy baby-talk and being drenched in another man's blood.
- You need to be a person who enjoys travel, fun and adventure
THE GAME PLANStep 1 (Set the trap)
Post yourself on any one of the websites geared toward making friends., not as yourself, but as a confused, lonely and attractive girl between the ages of 13-19. She doesn't need to be attractive, but good things come to those who bait. Am I right? Fellas? Ha ha you know it!
So grab a picture of a friend's family member or just take a picture of some hottie running down the road. Make it a casual drive-by. A good approach is to honk and wave. When they turn to wave back out of confusion take the shot. If nothing else they will be flattered by the attention.
The more pictures that you take, the better. If you get the pictures from a friend, go through a photo album when they're not around and snag a few more for your collection. If you're photographing a complete stranger off the street it may be best to leave the car for some really good action shots. Don't worry they'll understand it's for a good cause. If they're cool with it, you may want to bring along an opened bottle of liquor from your car too. This will greatly increase believability as you rarely see any of these horrible little brats online without some sort of alcoholic beverage in their hand. Just ask them to pose with it for a few shots. Let them take a few swigs to really capture the feel that their happy, comfortable, fun and young. Now this might seem like a good time to put the camera on a timer and get into some of these shots yourself. DON'T. It is imperative that your "Predator" not be able to recognize you when the two of you meet.
Alright so you've got some pictures and you're ready to go online. A name for your alter ego is not important. Just use the first name of the biggest bitch you knew in H.S. Now you'll need to populate your profile using suggestive and/or light-hearted phrases and words meant to be cute. Here are a few examples:
• ::giggle::
• I know I am adorable!
• Interests? well I might be interested in you.
• sooo... the other night... lol I got sooo drunk!!!!(I found this one on-line myself. It was posted by a 23-year-old male. He's no pray, but he exudes a feminine quality many of us will never reach)
Now to bring it all together. You'll want to post your interests to include the likes of: Tanning, Boys, Drinking, Shopping, Boys, Britney, Your Pet(This is a must), Boys Boys Boys!
Step 2 (Waiting)
Sit back and wait. They'll come to you. DON'T GO OUT LOOKING FOR THEM, by definition that disqualifies the whole "predator" thing.
Depending on the photo(s) you used this could take a little time. Conversely, if you find yourself swamped with replies ignore the totally vulgar ones. You're looking for the nice guy, "Just want to help you understand your feelings at this vulnerable time in your life" chumps.
Step 3 (Reel 'em In, Hot Stuff)
Your goal here is to acquire the transportation to meet your predator fist to face. You know both of you think you're hot shit, so keep your comments simple and sweet. Hesitate to answer many questions at first. Offer up an answer, then back out of it at the end. You want to make them feel like they're in control and they're leading you to open up to them. You may at times feel the urge to pull them straight through the monitor once you've identified your "predator" as such. Be patient and wade through the awkwardness of knowing you're now flirting with another man. This could take upwards of 6 months. Anything after six months, we don't really consider a predator. If done right he'll offer up a way for the two of you to finally meet. Now decline his offer. Talk a bit more until he brings it up again. This time give him a long pause like you're mulling it over. Then offer to take him up on the deal as long as the transportation both ways is paid in full by him. Two important notes: Don't ever agree to talk to him over the phone unless you're cool with the Cyrano approach and you've got a girl who can pull it off. Also don't ever agree to meet anywhere near your REAL address(of course you'd never tell him your real address).
Step 4 (Live it up, sweetie!)
The hard part is over. By now you should be kicking back and looking forward to a free trip, depending on how well you negotiated the travel plans/expenses. And even if you didn't do the greatest job, your travel expenses should definitely be paid off. So why not use this time to really pamper yourself. You deserve it.
When you pack, pack light, but don't forget to bring something to really mess them up. In some cases you really may not get all of the time you'd like to with the SOB, so bring a "deal breaker". This is any device that will really bring the message home that the deal's off, he's a sicko, he's been tricked by you, and you don't appreciate what he does. Remember too, it's got to be travel friendly.
Step 5 (Go Berserk)
So wherever you decide to meet up with your "predator" make sure it is a nice quiet place where you won't be interrupted. Now remember he has never seen you before, so you can follow him a great distance with ease. Wait for just the right time and start a diversion, you know just to fuck with him. Ask him the time or bring a pic of the girl you're posing to be. Show it to him and let him have it!!!
You definitely want to hospitalize them, but never go overboard. Remember if you kill the man, no one will be left to spread the word. Once you're comfortable you've worked him over enough to be helpless, make sure you get a few good blows with your bare hands. If you feel the need to defecate, resist the urge. I've been watching a lot of CSI lately and I'm pretty sure they can trace it back to you. If you've got the time, feel free to go all out with their humiliation and label them as an online sexual predator somewhere where they can't hide it. A knife or even a sharpie marker could really work well. This helps them to remember why and what the fuck happened to them should you have knocked them unconscious early. When you're done make sure to wipe your feet of the day's struggle on their nuts. You don't want to be tracking anything all over. That's called evidence.
Doin' it one ass-clown at a time, rest assured that you've done your part. If you've carefully followed these guidelines, no one will have to worry about that one again. They'll be too afraid to ever get online and try that shit again. The seed of doubt has been planted and now they'll be the ones too frightened to tangle with the www. Look we'd be crazy to think we're going to save the world. If we really put all of our effort into this we can free up the Internet so that teenage girls can feel free to express themselves and get to really have a long-lasting, healthy relationship with hard-working, decent older men.
This is a risky mission and at some points may seem dishonest or wrong. Well this is not for everybody. It's really just for those of us with unfailing rectitude who are passionate and care to stay focused on what is at stake and what needs to be done to make this world a better place no matter the cost. If we do it just right, it will be the predators who will be afraid to leave the lion's den. This is going to be like pinching the tippy-top part of the baseball bat when all done. It's the end all to all arguments and you can't do nothin' about it, man.
Please Note: a clean police record is not necessary.
GO BLOG YOURSELF!
This is a place saver so I can remember to come back and write(or right) a post based on this title. It's also a call out to claim this as a killer title that I came up with first. So now all I need is the body. Ha ha, cake...any suggestions?
I'm leaning on trashing "The Bloggies."
IS THIS WORKING?
Is this working?*
*This was just a test to see where the hell stuff was going to end up. Then some anonymous smart-ass had to go and post a comment answering my question for me. Now if they had said something like "Good luck, fella." or "Welcome aboard, can't wait to see what you've got for us" I could have easily dismissed it and erased this entry. No this chum-guzzler had to go and say the first thing that came to their god damn dart-suckin' lips(Notice it skipped right over their mind). Now I gotta be the bigger person and keep their lame-ass comment posted on my special new blog for all of eternity. So much for a clean blank slate. GOD I HATE TAKING THE HIGH ROAD. Thanks fuck wad!!!p.s. I'm not some editor from a prissy clothing facility, so bite me if I punctuation inside the quotes or forget to make any sense what-so-ever.
