Serious Bullshit!

I'M NOT CONVINCED YOU'RE READING THIS

Dear Albert,

I feel I need to be honest with someone about all of this...I slept with your daughter. I mean I'm glad I got to taste that before she got any older. It wasn't supposed to mean anything, and at least for a while it didn't. I mean girls that age shouldn't look that sweet. She's so curvy and soft right now. It made me think how natural and untainted she had to be. I wanted to be a part of this stage in her life. Only, one thing lead to another and that lead to something else and on and on, until finally I realized that she was falling in love with me. If you really knew me, you'd know I don't do love.

Look I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't willing to learn about. I'm not trying to defend myself, because I'd do it again. Of course it would have to be soon because by the time she's 18 I imagine she'll be a little on the big side for my tastes. I mean I can't get behind a fat-ass, ya' know?

Look, I'd like to just put all of this behind us but I think you may need to talk to her about personal space and when "enough" is enough and even personal hygiene. I have to admit I enjoyed taking pictures of her and the other cheerleaders when they decided to toilet paper my house last weekend. I also enjoyed having them all over for the evening. It gave me the opportunity to test out my new digital recorder.

I know you're probably wondering why I'm divulging all of this to you. It's like this, see — Since the doctor told me I should contact everyone I've been with in the past year and she's not returning my calls, I thought it would best if I let you know. She needs to get checked because well, let's just say Kraft Macaroni and Cheese may not be touting themselves as "The Cheesiest" anymore, unless they get her as a spokesperson maybe.

Me and the other cheerleaders have talked and we've decided that my relationship with your daughter is unhealthy. I mean in a spiritual way, Al, I enjoy the occasional innocent flirting session, but it's like every time I came home, she was there waiting for me. Uninvited, she'd stick around until things got boring, and then she'd just force herself on me. I don't know where she learned to use her mouth like that either. I guess I just don't have the sex-drive that can appease a girl her age anymore.

Please, let's not beat around it anymore. Tell her the truth. Tell her it's best that she isn't coming over anymore. Let her know that I've already returned all over her undergarments and videos and toys and lotions. Maybe in a while after the dust has settled we can all sit down and have a big laugh about all of this. I hope you'll take this seriously and have a little heart to heart with her.

Regardless, I'll see you at the next PTO meeting.

Your friend and neighbor,
Beatrice

p.s., she's got a mole on the underside of her left breast. You may want to get that looked at too. I kept bugging her about, but you know kids.

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 3:28 PM