Serious Bullshit!

SOMEWHERE IN TIME

2012-02-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

Did you ever experience something more than deja vu that really makes you feel like time travel is possible? Like "I know I've read this before" or maybe "I know I've read this before" or even "I feel like I've read this before"? But then more than just deja vu. You know you have read it before and then it hits you - there's proof that you have indeed read it before.

DURING THE SURGERY... THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT.

2008-05-09T13:35:00.001-07:00

"I'll give you the option since the doctor is running about an hour and fifteen minutes late." Nurse Kelly said as she leaned over the bed railing. "I can give you this now. It will only last about half an hour but we can give you some more later before the operation. You won't remember anything, so you can't think anything bad, because you'll end up saying it..."

"Sounds like you'd be doing this for your own entertainment. Isn't there anything less embarrassing you can give me?" I asked.

"This is just a conscious sedative, it won't make you drowzy, but it will help to pass the time." she answered. The anaesthesiologist made her way over and waited for my response.

"As long as you don't feel I'm being irresponsible, let's do it." They seemed relieved of my decision. They gave me the sedative and as we talked for a few minutes more, I noticed my words slurring together probably just after I stopped making any sense. I tried not to talk much at all as I could imagine myself saying such nonsensical things like "Man, I'd love to fart on those tits!".

Some time went by, and although I wasn't asleep, I didn't remember much of anything while I sat there in bed. I could see nurse Kelly in the distance talking on the phone. I could hear a voice over the intercom. Eventually she looked at the clock on the wall, and walked over to me with another shot of the magical time-travel serum. "They're calling for you." She said. "He's made up some time on that last procedure, so we've got about another 15 minutes to go. They're prepping the room right now. Do you remember anything from the last 40 minutes?"

"The Dr. came by." Again I tried to keep my speech brief as I felt my head bobbing around like a drunken hobo. I pointed to my right side where he would have been standing.

"Dr. Grant hasn't come by here... He walked by just now." She said as I could feel the newer , colder fluid making its way through my arm. "Is that what you mean? You saw him walk by?"

I tried to come up with some way of making it seem like I wasn't so out of it that I would have imagined a conversation with Dr. Grant. She looked down and said, "Oh, he has been by here to mark your ear."

"Yeah..." my head bobbed around again fishing for more to say.

"Don't worry, you didn't say anything." She assured me. "I know I said some embarrassing things when I had to come through here once." As she began to go into detail, I began to slip back to the future - when I would come out, nobody could know...

I remember waking up after surgery to an itchy sensation from my left ear. Before opening my eyes, I reached up to scratch it. Realizing there was something in my way, I tried to open my eyes. I could only open my right eye. Still very much drugged, my mind went back to the warnings of complications Dr. Grant went over with me months before "...and there is the possibility that I could sever this nerve here and you'd lose movement of the left side of your face..."

Too drowsy to react panicky, with one eye, I managed to make out a few nurses working around me. One of the nurses, a red head, smiled at me and said nothing, but even in my semi-coherent state, I could sense that she had something she wanted to tell me.

She worked her way over to the other side of me while the other nurses kept working around us. She came up to my right ear and very carefully said "During the surgery... there was an accident." I can't exactly say what the expression on my face was at that moment, because I no longer had control of it.

And it wasn't until later when she was walking down the hallway with me that I told her that she really scared me for a second because the left side of my face was still numb and the Dr. told me there could be complications... She laughed and told me that I had this horrified look on my face that worked its way into a great big smile when I realized what she had said was "During the surgery... You had an accident."

INSERT CAPTION:

2008-05-09T13:28:00.001-07:00

There is a prize, depending on how good the entries are.

A FUNNY WORD I JUST LEARNED AT WORK WHILE ON THE INTERNET

2008-02-19T11:06:00.000-08:00

Kuro - The name of a rear projection HDTV by Pioneer.

Kuro - Japanese word meaning deep, black, and penetrating.

REMEMBER THIS WEEK WELL...

2007-03-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

...For it shall be just like every other.

The most stressful thing that happened at work this week – phone calls from the ex-wife (So not so bad.)

The most troubling thing that happened at work this week – How they let someone go that we don't even care about at work.

The most amazing thing that happened at work this week – It seemed to end more quickly than most.

The most hilarious thing that happened at work this week – "Uhhhhmmm... Yeah."

The most obnoxious thing that happened at work this week – Someone playing reggae music for 2 hours.

TRU STORY

2007-02-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

About a year ago my friend JJ and I went to this ________ in ______. I can't speak for him, but I sure had one of the best ________ ever . We got to ____ many great ______. And I even ______ with some ______ as well. I even got a job doing ______ for one online.

During the mornings ______ would ______ in the Queen ______ for about 9 ______. It was the first time I ever crossed a ______ in my _________. I know It wouldn't a big deal to to most, but it was a great big deal ______ me. Overall the ______ was ______. I would ______ do it ______. I got a bit of ______ from fellow employees once we got ______, but now I can say I have stayed a weekend in a hotel with a homosexual.

HEY MAN!

2007-02-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever burped with your mouth closed in the middle of talking and no body says anything, so you think man that was really loud in my head, but I guess they couldn't hear it because they didn't say anything to you.

Just because no one says anything, doesn't mean no one noticed.

NO SHIT!

2006-10-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

I was running in the park on Sunday in the bitter cold. When I run I try to make it a habit to wave to whomever passes by in the other diection. no matter how cold or tired I'm feeling. Some people wave and some choose to ignore me. Sometimes people just nod or give a little ssmirk. On Sunday however I got a smile. I mean a real genuine smile from a woman walking this beautiful Golden Retriever. So she passes by and I keep running. Within seconds I realized I should have been the one smiling because I wasn't the one carrying a sloppy sack of dog shit in my hand..

WHEN A MAN YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE SUDDENLY GIVES YOU THE CLAP...

2006-06-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

I went out with this woman I met at a cookout. She had captivated an audience full of strangers on the day we met. She mentioned having a bar journal which sounded pretty amazing to me. She seemed to have the same bold sense of humor as me so I wanted to see if we would hit it off or bicker the whole night. Sometimes people are so alike, they can't stand the company of the other, especially when they feel like they are competing for attention.

She tells me that her schedule books early, but she just so happens to have a cancelation tonight. Well that's convenient. She did seem pretty popular. Pencil me in!

So we met out for some drinks and got along pretty well. As we learn more about each other we realize how similar we are. We talk about friends we didn't know we shared, places we frequent, goals we'd still like to accomplish - nothing out of the ordinary. Her phone is lighting up frequently in her purse, but she refuses to acknowledge it(for the time being). I tell her about my job and she "Doesn't want to talk about her... job." Okaaaay... Uhhh... She tells me her job makes it difficult for her to have a relationship. Alright, alright so we move on, but of course all I am doing is wondering what she does for a living now.

A few more conversations and cocktails later I ask, "Does it have to do with drugs?" "Oh nothing like that." she replies. Fine, a few more drinks later I ask, "Does it have to do with sex?" To which she responds, "Mmm...sometimes."

We talk some more and drink even more and eventually she just says it, "I'm an escort, but not a prostitute." "But you mentioned earlier that it does involve sex sometimes." I called her out. "Oh.. Yeah I did say that didn't I?" she frowns.

I'm not trying to hide my reaction to all of this, but she does a great job of avoiding my glare. With a half-cocked smile she looks over and finally notices her phone. She picks it up and it's a... it's a client. She tells me this and puts the phone back in her purse.

My mind is completely blown and I don't remember how we get to the next part, but I think I just kept saying "It's cool. If you have to leave, that's fine." Well, she does end up leaving, but not for a while still. See while I went up to get some more drinks, she told her associate to meet her out where we were. She wanted the three of us to hang out and I really protested. I did so because she had a hard enough time talking about it, I thought it would really make her uncomfortable if we had to experience this together.

She takes off and I'm left alone to finish my drink. Sitting there I realize I would have had a far more interesting story to tell had I met the guy.

X3 - A CANDID REVIEW

2006-05-28T19:37:00.001-07:00

Look, I had a lot written about this movie, but it all made me more unhappy with it. All I can say is - The "Unstoppable" Juggernaut hit his head on a wall and passed out, not to be seen in the movie again.

My best efforts could never produce that much money ever, this piece of shit will make over a hundred million dollars.

If you see me at work, don't ask me about this movie; Don't bring it up. I'll most likely throw hot coffee in your face and set your fucking car on fire.

Also, if you comment with "Tell me how you really feel", your lack of creativity will remind me of this poorly directed movie and I'll have to assume that you are partially responsible for it.

That being said, I'll send your beaten carcass first-class to an alligator farm in Florida where a man named Lionel will portion you out to said alligators as he takes snapshots to be posted online.

(Editor's note: - Look this is not a terrorist threat, this is just me venting on how much this movie sucked. I know no one name Lionel and I'm not even sure if I'm spelling alligator correctly.)

LIFE'S BEEN GOOD TO ME SO FAR

2006-05-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I worked 15 hours. I missed my son's soccer game and appararently a freaky episode of Lost. I had to cancel running with a friend this morning because I have to be at a shopping mall at 8am to show things to my boss who most likely will not be there by 8am. Then bust ass back to work to finalize everything by 10am. So if you see me today at work don't pity me. Don't wake me up. Don't draw the word penis on my forehead with magic marker. Most of all, don't ruin Lost by telling me what happened last night.

SHUCK IT TREBEK

2006-04-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

I figured it out. I know why I haven't been able to write here. It's because of YOU the reader! Hold on a minute asshole, let me explain. I've been trying to write. As a matter of fact I have written. I think about what my 3 or so readers would enjoy, then I write and never post because it sucks. This blog was started with the idea that I didn't give a shit about what you wanted or felt or thought. Once I started caring I got lost.

I know it sounds stupid to try and pawn this all off on you, but then I really don't give a shit do I? This didn't start off as a means to entertain for anybody but myself. I just used it as a way to vent and sometimes pass time at work or avoid doing something I'm supposed to be doing at home like picking up broken glass.

This is great. I feel like a rock star who went pop, whose come back around again to my angtful roots. Only I didn't make a lot of money selling out and really no one thinks I'm that great. But then no one is booing me off the stage either. You can't boo me bitches! This is my stage. This is my house. The best you can do is not leave me a commment. Even if you leave a malicious comment or possibly spam my blog with something about payday loans, I automatically win. If you don't leave me a comment, then it's like you were never here at all, but since I've already stated that I don't care I still win. Woohoo! I'll call you mornons and you'll love me for it.

You may say, but you have been a jerk. You have been rude and wrong on here. You're doing a great job, John. First off, I was only kidding. I wasn't really being mean to those I really hate - YOU. 2. I don't care what you think.

So from now on, I'm going to write for me. ME ME ME ME ME! If you continue to read, then good for ME.

p.s. This message does not hold true for JJ or Nathan. I love you guys. Oh and anyone who posts a comment. Thanks so much. God bless.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING MY TAINT REMOVED

2006-03-28T16:24:00.000-08:00

EOM

Fuck all ya'alls!!!

2006-01-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

Bitches, I'd like to formally make a list of everyone I hate. No specifics, just certain types of people. Here we go:

The typical guy.
The typical girl.
Stupid people.
People who don't fix their own damn paper jams.
Cheap tippers.
The common cold.
People with too much ambition.
People with offensively large growths that can do something about them, but opt not to.
People who drive VW Beetels and think they're cuter than they really are.
Anyone with fake boobs that didn't have them in order to replace what had to be removed.
People who make spam.
People who make "SPAM".
People who never get anything you have to say.
Sardines.
Sales people.
FM morning show hosts.
AM broadcasters.
Anyone who ever stood me up.
Anyone I ever dated who did not let me put it in them.
The person who greets you at the Sprint PCS store.
People who always have a better story to tell, and never realize you know they are lying.
Anyone who knows more than me that has not invited me over to their house for Thanksgiing as the only non-family member of their house or is soon to be on Jeopardy and quit his stinking job because he is going to be filthy rich.
People who always have a better story to tell, even though they are aware that you know they are lying.
Hookers.
Anyone who ever listened to an entire Miceal Bolton(real name: Boloton) song all the way through without changing the station.
Old people online.
Myself (on occasion).
And anyone whom I have met that I have not expressly mentioned that I like them.

If you're not on this list, consider yourself unmemorable or seriously sexy.

Grrrrgrrrrrrr!

THESE AREN'T THE DROIDS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

2005-11-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

Apparently I love shit, so I stockpile it. I try to be as organized as possbile only to end up hiding things from myself. I clean up; I put everything where it is supposed to be because I'm tired of living in such a mess. When it comes time to find something I need after I've "filed" it away, I make a bigger mess than I had started off with originally. This doesn't just happen in the physical realm, either. It happens in the digital world I clutter up too. I'm tired of everything just sitting on my desktop, so I file it away in other folders so I can't find it ever again. I might as well use the trash can. Here is a bunch of stuff headed for the trash bin today:

Best Ad Slogan I've Seen This Week:
"A Handful A Day May Be Good For Your Heart" - Sure out of context it's funny. Maybe it's refering to sleeping pills or boobies. Actually it's talking about Mr. Planter's nuts. I can't wait until it catches on and everyone is wearing the t-shirts, or boy pants or I see it on my aspirin bottles.

Best Voicemail I've heard this week:
"Hey man, sorry to call you during business hours, but I had to call to tell you something of upmost importance. I'd hate to see you miss out on the McRib. That's right the McRib is back. You heard me ma...ands. Hold on I think that might be you..."

Best email I received this week:
I received the following email from our photographer at work. She is very pleasant to be around and I am humbled for the comments she made below.

Subject: Keep your hands where I can't see them

Email images look good. I like your touch. Doesn't sound really good at the workplace, sorry, but you finger your meat in my presence in your office sometimes too. equally inappropriate.

Later on I found out she was talking about my low-carb lunches.

Old Favorite Story About My Son(Recently replaced):
All I can say is apparently the handles(maybe an inch long) are different.

My son told me when he received a Mustafar play-set equipped with Anakin and Kenobi(regular SW action figure size) that the accompanying lightsabers were in the wrong persons hand. "The guy who made it must have put them in the wrong hands, so I took care of it. He probably just didn't know he did it."

Favorite Time To Get A Phone Call From An Old Friend(recently replaced):
3:43AM Friday 11/11

Old Favorite Quote From Gabriel(recently replaced):
"You got a point there."

Favorite New Retro-Quote:
"I thought I said be cool."

Not-So-Funny-Quote that caught me off gaurd:
"I think I need to take a grammar pill."

Best Scam:
When you take your dog out for a walk, and you know the neighboors are watching, but you don't really want to pick up after your dog, just bend over and pick up a handful of twigs or leaves, careful to avoid touching your dogs "business section". Make sure to wave on your way back up.

WHERE THE HELL DID IGOR COME FROM?

2005-11-03T11:33:00.000-08:00

Before I forget, movies without music suck. Sure silent movies were first, but even many of them were accompanied by music. In 1931 "Frankenstein" was created without any music whatsoever. LAME. If you're anything like me you're just weireded out by a guy moaning about without any music playing in the background.

I recently watched "Frankenstein" and minutes later "Bride of Frankenstein". Bride was a bit better because it had music in it. I'm assuming anyone reading this does realize that the Monster is never referred to as Frankenstein and Boris Karloff(Narrorator - The Grinch Who Stole Christmas) is actually credited as THE MONSTER. And there is no one credited in the movie as Igor at all. This cracker's name was Fritz.

My son loves watching scarey old black and white horror movies. My guess is because they're not scarey. So it seems harmless on Halloween night to show him an old 1930's horror film over say "The Ring", right? Wrong...

"Fire: good." proclaims a blind fellow. Pointing to the fireplace in an attempt to extinguish the fear of fire the monster has.

"Smoke: good." as he shows the Monster how to smoke. And at the first puff the Monster enjoys it.

"Blind men don't know anything, Gabriel." I explain to my son who is now running around the apartment saying "Fire good. Smoke good."

"Woman... Friend... Wife..." The Monster totally throws me for a loop her. "Why don't you have a wife, daddy?" to which I respond "Shhhhh!"

And then the Bride shows up and screams at the first sight of the Monster. My son turns to me and says, "But they were made for each other, daddy." I can't even go into the complexities of how women are evil to my seven-year-old, so I just remark "Oh, she's a witch, Gabriel, kinda like your mo...ther's halloween costume 8 years ago."

I don't even know how to tell him who the bad guy was in the movie. I'm pretty sure it was me. The Monster was heroic, even though he accidently killed all of those innocent people too. Dr. Frankenstein kept almost dying and was for a good part of the movie a mad man, but the Monster saw he deserved to live.

"I love dead... hate living." I whisper to myself as I clean up the living room. So now I'm feeling like the monster in a world that just can't understand that deep down inside I had all the right intentions. I think next we'll watch Star Wars. Darth Vader...now there's a sinister guy with no redemable qualities.

WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?

2005-10-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

I really think people like to work with me:

jason_owen_1: yo
jagamar_hna: yep
jason_owen_1: does good to go mean approved?
jagamar_hna: Sorta
jagamar_hna: I mean yes
jagamar_hna: I mean I don't want to take responsibility for it.
jagamar_hna: Really though it means approved.
jagamar_hna: Even though it is not approved.
jagamar_hna: Or in so many words It is approved.
jason_owen_1: now you confused me
jagamar_hna: So go ahead and send it...unless you need it to be approved.
jagamar_hna: in which case it already is...approved.
jagamar_hna: I like cereal.
jason_owen_1: go to hell!!!

A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS AT A STRIP CLUB?!!!

2005-10-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sure some alcohol was involved, but still who can justify a very nice house payment on one night at a strip club?

I'm not sure what all I would expect to get dropping a quarter of a million dollars at a strip club. Maybe I'd finally get to actually touch some boobies. Maybe they'd let me get away with anything. Maybe they'd let me bring a camera inside. Maybe they'd let me give the hottest dancer there a tracheotomy. Maybe they'd name a pole after me. "The John Q. Pubic Memorial Dance Pole" Does sound pretty swanky. Maybe we've got another idea for those marketing geniuses in the tobacco industry. They could paint the poles to look like cigarettes and they could emblazon their logo all over them.

All I know is one time I actually dropped a quarter in a strip club and I searched frantically to find it. It was worse than loosing a contact lense to the floor of a movie theater. Nevertheless I just didn't feel right giving the dancer only $.75 no matter how long I had been warming up the change in my hands. I guess I'm just not the strip-club going type.

WHY I LIKE MY JOB

2005-10-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

strippers
butt plugs
butt extensions
shaft dimplers
bent mount gripping stations
finishing blocks
ball washers - "A clean balls gives you a better shot"
ram rods

I'M NOT CONVINCED YOU'RE READING THIS

2005-10-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Albert,

I feel I need to be honest with someone about all of this...I slept with your daughter. I mean I'm glad I got to taste that before she got any older. It wasn't supposed to mean anything, and at least for a while it didn't. I mean girls that age shouldn't look that sweet. She's so curvy and soft right now. It made me think how natural and untainted she had to be. I wanted to be a part of this stage in her life. Only, one thing lead to another and that lead to something else and on and on, until finally I realized that she was falling in love with me. If you really knew me, you'd know I don't do love.

Look I didn't force her to do anything she wasn't willing to learn about. I'm not trying to defend myself, because I'd do it again. Of course it would have to be soon because by the time she's 18 I imagine she'll be a little on the big side for my tastes. I mean I can't get behind a fat-ass, ya' know?

Look, I'd like to just put all of this behind us but I think you may need to talk to her about personal space and when "enough" is enough and even personal hygiene. I have to admit I enjoyed taking pictures of her and the other cheerleaders when they decided to toilet paper my house last weekend. I also enjoyed having them all over for the evening. It gave me the opportunity to test out my new digital recorder.

I know you're probably wondering why I'm divulging all of this to you. It's like this, see — Since the doctor told me I should contact everyone I've been with in the past year and she's not returning my calls, I thought it would best if I let you know. She needs to get checked because well, let's just say Kraft Macaroni and Cheese may not be touting themselves as "The Cheesiest" anymore, unless they get her as a spokesperson maybe.

Me and the other cheerleaders have talked and we've decided that my relationship with your daughter is unhealthy. I mean in a spiritual way, Al, I enjoy the occasional innocent flirting session, but it's like every time I came home, she was there waiting for me. Uninvited, she'd stick around until things got boring, and then she'd just force herself on me. I don't know where she learned to use her mouth like that either. I guess I just don't have the sex-drive that can appease a girl her age anymore.

Please, let's not beat around it anymore. Tell her the truth. Tell her it's best that she isn't coming over anymore. Let her know that I've already returned all over her undergarments and videos and toys and lotions. Maybe in a while after the dust has settled we can all sit down and have a big laugh about all of this. I hope you'll take this seriously and have a little heart to heart with her.

Regardless, I'll see you at the next PTO meeting.

Your friend and neighbor,
Beatrice

p.s., she's got a mole on the underside of her left breast. You may want to get that looked at too. I kept bugging her about, but you know kids.

GET TO STEPPIN'

2005-10-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm busy, okay? I'm busy. I'm too busy to live life.

I'm too busy to write a little something to ease my mind and make the few people who would like to read what I have to write feel like it's all worth the wait.

I fill up all of my time avoiding any opportunity in which I might use my brain. It is much like working out. If you haven't been to the gym in a while, you lack the confidence to get back in there. You feel like people might see you as being an idiot for using the butt blaster for an awkward upper body workout. You feel like an idiot when you forget words or punctuation or you use grammar wrongly.

There is never anytime like right now to start working on your future; working on trying to make you the best possible YOU ever imaginable. I know this. It is just being at work all day makes me feel like everything is so futile. I went to school for 17 years of my life just to barely make it financially?

I'll admit my job isn't the worst, but it is so mentally draining that by the end of the work day all I want to do is forget about everything. Sure sounds like reading or writing might be a good way to go, but when I write "forget about everything", I mean EVERYTHING. I don't want to remember how to read or write. I don't want to remember how to draw or like to have fun. I just want to write the day off and start all over again tomorrow, only I don't have to go to work. I don't ever have to go to work again.

I want to win the lottery and pay people to do my job for more than I get paid, so I can spend my free time at work fucking with people. I want to tell people how fat they've become. I want to set all of the clocks ahead by 23 hours, so everyone can see how late don't mean shit. I want to tell people that I walked into the bathroom after them and I had to sneak into the women's room because I couldn't stand the burning sensation my nose had to share with my eyes. I want to tell people that the world isn't going to end if I don't get this particular project done at exactly the time they made me guess it would be done. I want to tell all the hot bitches that I'm going to fuck the shit out of them in the conference room at 3:30, right after I get done with my nap. I want to show up late for that too.

Then I want to get a second job, one where I work with people. The customers!!! I want to have to work with the average customer and tell them that they could buy the exact same car for $5000 less if they just wait a month or go to a different dealer. I want to tell them that I've seen the way they make those houses and I don't recommend that company to anyone. I want to explain to them that if they don't tip me ahead of time I'm going to spill hot coffee on their infant's head, pull off their toupee, and have all of my serving buddies come out of the kitchen all festive like we're going to sing happy birthday - clapping and shouting and then beat the holy-living shit out of them and take what we want from their wallet, because "Thanks" and "Great Job" doesn't pay anyone's bills.

Yeah I'm talking to you Lashawn D. Patterson, she who stiffed me with her credit card on Father's Day 2001. I've got a son, you insensitive whore! If you didn't like something you should have told me. If you had a complaint, you could have told any manager. If you just didn't want to spend the money, you should have stayed at home.

Then I want to go home. I want to hear my girlfriend tell me about the chemical imbalances she's going through in her body right now and how I need to be sensitive to her needs because she is a woman and it is perfectly natural for her to be a bitch to me. Then I want to explain to her how my sexual drive, the kind that men are labeled "pigs" for, is merely due to a chemical called testosterone and if I have to be sensitive to the way the chemicals in her body make her feel and react, she better damn well be prepared to be sensitive to mine. I want to tell her how if it is perfectly natural for a woman to do something it is revered as beautiful and I need to embrace it, but when it comes to a man doing what comes natural it seen as something that needs to be changed.

Then, while she's crying and realizing how right I am, I want to make a call to the President and tell him it's not his fault he's an asshole. It's not his fault gas prices have made it difficult for us to live. It's not his fault that other countries hate us. It's not his fault that American's envision a world for themselves where they have all the money they could ever need and never have to work to deserve a damn thing. Everyone on the entire planet wants something they have no right to; something they do not deserve. They want everything they've ever dreamt about, but never do they ever dream of being someone who deserves it all.

Then I'll hang the phone up crying, because I just got the point to that whole "Planet of the Apes" movie. I'm one of them too. I'm part of the problem and I have done absolutely nothing to fix anything. And then I'll sit back and think how much simpler my day would have been if I would have just stayed at work and done what every else tells me to do. At least that way I'll get to go home and watch LOST tonight.

HEAR YEE, HEAR YEE TO ALL FUCKFACES!!!

2005-09-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

COME ONE, COME ALL TO THE OHIO RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL!!! TTTTTTTHHHHHWWWWWWTTTTT!!!

I'm glad I don't have to listen to the radio often, because for the fifteen minutes I forget and try again every few days, I hear SERIOUS BULLSHIT like the plug for the ORF.

I'm overjoyed that I don't hear flamboyant fluting as a backdrop for a conversation of two people who have no concept of the English language, much less the ability to read from a card that has words they've never heard spoken before.

"Hearest thou art possibly finding oneself a coward doth not make hast to the Ohio REN FEST"

"Avass, Please to be kindly in a manner of plugging thy own buttocks with the head that doth sit privy on your own true shoulders."

Unfortunatley they've gone a different route this year. They got a big band feel all sponsered by Kroger. Did you catch that? A Festival in HARVEYSBURG OHIO, brought to you by KROGER celebrating the ENGLISH RENAISSANCE with a BIG BANG SOUND...

Oh wait, I just logged on to the homepage and realized that they hold weddings at this event too. Bahahahahahahahaaaaaaa...

aha aha ahhhhhhhahahahahahahahaaa...

Never the fuck mind.

ha ha aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa ah ah o oo oooohh.

IF A MAN YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE SUDDENLY GIVES YOU FLOWERS...

2005-09-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

I gave this girl flowers once when I didn't really know her. I thought it was a good idea...and it was the Impulse® that made me do it. It didn't turn out as I had planned. She thought I looked better with a black eye and three broken ribs. I got to stare at those flowers the whole time I was in traction, well after they had died.

I'm an old-school romantic. I remember in high school, the first time I kissed a girl was on her hand. It was also one of the last times I kissed a girl until I graduated. So my romantic endeavors were stunted at that level as well.

I mean I wore a stethascope around my girlfriend's saying things like, "Let's see...how does that feel? Good...Goooood", but I'm not really a perverted jerk. I just like to make the ladies happy. I think my deal is that I'm way sweeter than most women are today. Sounds lame, perhaps, but hey I'm still just trying to get into her pants too.

I think women these days have wised up to this mentality. Of course this is why I cannot hit on a girl either. I feel like I'm insulting her intelligence. There can only be one reason for me to talk to her or buy her a drink or go down on her and her friend that needs to wax - I want to be friends...with her vagina.

You can't just give a girl flowers these days though. You do that and you're likely to get slapped or hit with a restraining order or a taser. You gotta be more inventive or have a lot of money so they won't remember a thing from all the booze they've drank.(Today's woman has a much higher tolerance than ever before)

Here are some tips on how to get a girl's attention from an oldschool romantic:

Show her you don't care She'll never leave you alone again. Seriously be the only guy that doesn't seem interested in her at all.
Be supportive Pay her twice what she's asking. Then have a friend beat her up so she'll never think it was you that took everything she made that night
Become more cultural and learned Women love an international guy. Go to her country, learn her language, and have the ceremony in English. She won't be able to say "No."
Be mysterious Wear a mask. It worked for that guy Stewart in Revenge of the Nerds.
Practice good grooming habits Shave. Shave all the time. Shave every part of you. It seems women don't really like the "bad boy" look anywhere below the chin.
Be respectful Stop calling them bitches. Naaaaaaaah, I'm just foolin'.
Treat children and animals with respect You'll find most women don't think they have any business in the bedroom anyhow.
Be attentive to her concerns Remind her when she brings it up, that sleeping on the wet spot is far greater than sleeping on the floor.
Remember her name It's a lot easier to act like an admiring friend than a creepy stalker when confronted by her friends.

AWWWW...THANK YOU.

2005-08-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

That's right I said it - "Thank You". Now guess what it means? You got it yet?

"Thank You" is merely the nicest thing to say when on the spot and you really don't know what to say. It means, "I really don't appreciate that(or at least not from you.)" Yeah people don't use the phrase "Thank You" when they mean it unless they attach it to a heartfelt reasoning. They just say it to be nice, or when they'd rather not look as repulsed as they feel.

I think mom's are the only one's who mean it, b/c they love everything about you anyway - Like when you were 6 and you picked a bunch of dendelions growing in your yard and gave them to her. She put them in the kitchen window and kissed you and said "Thank You" and she meant it.

Think back to when you were a young adult, but not living at home anymore. Your parents paid for a big meal for you and your family and maybe even some friends. You want to let them know you appreciate it so you say, "Thanks, Dad", but really you just expected. You know you certainly weren't the one who was going to pay for everyone. In this sense, thank you simlpy means, "Damn Straight."

Say you just kissed someone for the first time and they respond with "Thank You." This means never do that again. There is a fine line between being SWEET and being a WIERDO FREAKAZOID MCSPAZATRON. Mostly it's determinded by how cute you are.

Two men can do the same damn thing for a woman where she'll be grossed out by the same thing that makes her fall in love with someone else. One will get an "Awwww, Thanks." and the other will get a blow job.

"WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND"

2005-08-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

I miss the good old days when I had to worry about getting drunk and passing out on some strange person's couch only to realize where I was when I woke up at 5am. Then trying to leave and surmizing I didn't drive there either...or wear pants getting there. Even if my car were there, where the hell would my keys be?

So when I went to a bedroom to get a ride back to my car all I could hear is the moaning of what sounds to be two guys pleasureing a girl and a goat named Mr Roarke behind the door I just knocked on. (You know those goats will eat just about anything.) "Please don't answer the knock. Please don't answer the knock."

Now I worry about traffic and spending $300 a week on gas to get to work and if I've already taken my vitamin today.

Life doesn't have to be as adventerous as a goat, a girl and two dudes, but it doesn't have to suck quit this much either.

WHY TYPE OF CANCER ARE YOU?

2005-08-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

It's time mankind wised up and realized what kind of plague we are to our planet and even to ourselves. Answer the questions below and tally up your score to see exactly what kind of cancer you are:

1. What do you smoke?

2. Given the choice, you would prefer:

3. Favorite Video Game Character:

4. Favorite make believe sexual situation

5. Favorite aphorism for taking a shit

6. How often do you masterbate?

7. What is a triumphalism?

8. Pick a number between 1-6. Use that answer to figure out what type of cancer you are below:

1. Lung Cancer

You're pathetic. No one respects you. Often referred to as a self-inflicted illness. You are indeed your own worst enemy.

2. Prostate Cancer

You glutonous sack of shit! You like to sneak up on people acting like you're buddies, when really you're going in for the kill. Fortunately a litte lifestyle change and no one has to see you again.

3. Testicular Cancer

You cold frigid bitch!!! You're all about the sex, or the lack there of. God you remind me of my ex-girlfriend.

4. Throat Cancer

You ain't so bad. I can still smoke around you. Sometimes you don't allow people to speak so well, but who really needs to open their damn yapper that much? Everybody gonna die someday.

5. Breast Cancer

You attack beauty pure and simple. You often times find yourself disliking something simply because everyone else seems to like it.

6. Not a cancer

Sike!!! You're brain cancer. You're the sick fuck who can't help but fuck with people's minds.

I HAD THAT DREAM AGAIN LAST NIGHT

2005-08-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

You were there. We started off as just kids growing up in a small town. We both lived next to the cardboard box refining factory. I remember the smell was so strong we weren't aloud to play outside too much because our parents thought the smell would give us brain tumors. Really I just think our parents didn't like having to wash that smell out of our clothes. Come to think of it, I don't think your mom liked doing the laundry at all. Your clothes were often stained with the mess you had made the last time you wore them.

I didn't mind so much being around the kid with the dirty clothes all the time. What really bothered me was that song you used to always sing. How did it go? "When the log rolls over, I will drown, dooooo do do do, do do do do." Yeah, something like that. I remember I wasn't the only one to hate it. Remember that girl? What was her name? She hated it so much she would beat the piss out of you during recess. Your mom said she just had a crush on you until she drove that railroad spike through your pinky toe. You remember her now don't you? She's the one who stole her dad's pick-up and tried to run you over because she told you if she caught you singing that stupid song one more time she was going to kill you dead? God she was so pretty. What was her name?

Remember when I went to the emergency room because she had a severe lazy eye and hit me instead? I was in critical condition. No, my body was going to be just fine, but she had stolen my heart and I didn't know how I was going to make it out of there alive without her. I faked some internal bleeding for weeks just so she'd feel bad and come visit me in the hospital. Thing is she felt real good to me. I can't believe I can't remember her name. She used to do that thing with her neck were she'd just lay there and look all dead until that day the cops came by to pick you and me up for her murder. She had a great sense of humor. I can't believe you got all mad at her. It's not like we didn't make a lot of new friends.

I meant to tell you I met that guy with the apple cobbler tattooed on his forehead. He's a car salesman out in Brussekport. He tried to sell me a car(said he'd give me the "Insider's Special"). I remember when those guys gave you the "Insider's Special" in prison. You cried for weeks and I ate all of your solid foods, because you couldn't do nothin' but drink stuff. I must have gained twelve pounds that same month.

Nothing will beat when we broke out and worked in that trailer as short-order cooks. God you know we had so many good times together, it's a shame those bikers ripped out your tongue after you refused to taste the same food you had been serving them. Hey, wait I think I got a picture of that night...YES!!! There you are!

Yeah, I mean it was nice you couldn't sing anymore, but then that brought that girl...damnit what was her name?!

Sorry, I know how you can't stand it when I curse.

I guess that song wasn't so bad after all. I wonder what ever happened to that girl. it's like she fell off the face of the Earth.

SO I'M DOIN' THIS CHICK

2005-08-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

The Wind-Up
Have you ever watched a horrible movie, but for some reason you felt you had to sit through it just to see where it was all leading? How could all this possibly end well? I was in a relationship like this once, unfortunately it didn't last for two hours, but two weeks. This is a kiss and tell horror story, that for once I didn't make up. I'll protect all the names of the innocent by remaining to call myself Jagamar and referring to Susan Mayer of 1422 Tranquility Ln, Delaware OH, 43320-1447 as "Asil".

The Pitch
We hit it off pretty well. We're the same age. We're both gorgeous supermodels who have to force ourselves to eat candy bars so our clothes still fit. We both thought I was great in the sack. We live real close to each other... Ummm, in hindsight that might have been all we really had in common. She thought that was more than enough to run with.

Foul Ball
On our first outing, I made my first mistake. She invited me back to her place and I refused to sleep with her. Oblivious to how horrible I was making things look I repeated this on our second time out. Apparently my lack of interest was viewed as "You're so special I wouldn't dream of deflowering such a perfect angel this early in our relationship."

Well we all believe what we want to believe. That's why I stuck around as long as I did. I had never had anyone tell me such amazing and wonderful things about myself. She would tell me how great I was at everything. I'll try to be vague for those of you who know me and would really rather not envision me in certain situations, but when I said everything, I meant "Everything". Yeah, I mean I did eventually give in to that too.

Strike One: The Jew Dog
I went to a friend's house and brought Asil along. We were talking about Hebrew National Hot Dogs, which she affectionately called "Jew Dogs." I acted all embarrassed and said to Asil while pointing at a friend of mine, "Asil, SHE'S a Jew Dog!"

Later, halfway through the drive home she explained to me how she hoped she hadn't offended anyone with the "Jew Dog" comment. I let her know I was just kidding about that. She got upset and told me she didn't know my friends and felt like she was the butt of my joke. I explained to her how she didn't really know me either then, because I would never say "She's a Jew Dog" within listening distance of the accused.

The Change Up
For someone who was so amazing in her eyes she sure wanted to change a lot about me. I'm not used to that and was put off by it immediately. I had only known of this woman for three weeks and she was planning to:

•Change my wardrobe
•Have me get a manicure
•Meet my son/Not Meeting my son
•Have me meet her parents
•"Spend more time together"

Strike Two: The Babysitter
"You need to get a babysitter, so we can spend this time getting to know each other more."

I agree we do need to get to know each other better, but I've never met anyone worth sacrificing my time with my son after just two weeks of dating. Besides my time with my son is not my time to sacrifice.

Heckling The Batter
I'm no player. I really have no game. If anything I'm just careful not to get hurt or lead anyone on. I tried to use my wording best I could. I was as direct as I could be within the awkward situation I had been placed:

"That was the best first date I've ever had. Is that the best first date you've ever had?" - Asil

"..." - Jagamar(I was trying to keepmy eye on the road)

"Wow, that is just so amazing. I have never had orgasms that deep and amazing before. Don't you think this is the best sex you've ever had?" -insane

"I really enjoyed it" - the uncomfortable nodding jerk

"Would you call what we're doing fucking, or making love?" -crazy insane

"Ahhhhh...I call it sex" - the typical male

"Well at least we know we're sexually compatible." - girl who accidently slipped herself her own GHB

"I could tell that when I saw you had boobs." - insensitive prick

Covering The Bases
After hearing how much she had so quickly drawn herself to me, I felt obligated to tell her:

•We do need to get to know each other better
•With all of the greatness you see in me already, I hope I don't disappoint you
•I don't think I'm as great as you think I am(Not in bed, I do rock!)
•Sometimes I still forget your name

Strike Three: You Whore!
A late night of drinking led to a line at Taco Bell, per her request. On the way home in the car, she says to me that guys are in relationships for sex and girls are in them for a closer, stronger connection. It's true that most men ARE pigs, but I couldn't let her get away with saying something like that. After a short battle of "Nu'uh and Ah'uh" I politely stated that she was way more into sex in our relationship than I was. She then relayed to me that I was being a dick. To which I responded in a less than polite way, "Not any more than you're being a bitch." She passed by my place and drove herself home telling me that I could sleep alone tonight. As she exited the car I told her to take her drink with her because I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with it. It wasn't clever. If anything it was a set-up for her to get in a good one before she left. She didn't take it, but she did tell me off nonetheless.

Apparently she thought I was calling her a whore. Here's the equation I've come up with to support her theory:
XY=W=A, whereas XY=All Men; W=Whores; A=Asil; Asil=Susan Mayer (614)367-1503.

Good Game, Good Game
Well I knew all along that she cared about "US" a bit more than I did. I thought to myself, maybe I'll get there too. It never happened. What started out as less than a friendship had finally come around full circle in just two short weeks.

I'll end this now with our parting text messages I started just to show "No Hard Feelings":

"Sorry about the way things worked out last night. Sorry I let you down. Guess I'm not who you thought I was after all. Don't hate me. I meant you no harm." - Jagamar

"No you are not you chose to be an asshole you were nasty rude and disrespectful." - Asil

"Clear 2 c you're still upset. Truly sorry this affected you this way, nothing else. I wasn't trying to apologize about my behavior. We were both out of line." - All-American Asshole

"I am deeply saddened with you" - A woman scorned

WHEN I GET MARRIED IT'S GOING TO LAST FOREVER!

2005-08-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

I was exchanging correspondence with a friend about how I recently found out I've been paying too much child-support. I mentioned how the CSEA will keep the money I overpaid until I am done making all of the payments necessary when my son turns 18.

His Response
"Are they really making you wait 12 years to get money you were mistakenly overpaying? Did they not give all the money to [your son's] mom? Were they keeping it separate? I don't get it."

My Response
Think of marriage as a constant/temporary game of indian-wrestling where you're holding on to the other person but you never want to lose your own footing. Now if you do loose your footing you lose the marriage. While you're trying to regain your step, the winner puts on a strap-on and is allowed to drill you in any hole they desire, or even make a new hole should they so choose.

Since the divorce she has gained the world's greatest baby-sitter, where I pay her to watch her child while I don't get to eat anything out of her fridge or watch movies on her cable. Also I have to live in a crappy little apartment with my mom that is within reasonable driving distance of wherever she decides to live with the man for whom she left me.

Now paying child-support is like a secured credit card, where I have to put the money into the account first or I can't use it. Now forget about me using it at all. Only she can use it and for anything she wants, no questions asked.

It is as if I have an 18-year lease on a new child. Ultimately, I have a set amount I have to pay on that child, but it could go up depending on how big of a bitch she is.

Another view is that I am the state of Rhode Island(The only state to ever file for bankruptcy), and she won the Rhode Island Lottery payable in 216 monthly payments simply for being an adulterous wench. Can't win if you don't play!!!

AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS, VOLUME ONE

2005-07-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

Now on DVD - America's Funniest Home Videos: Volume One

Who the? What? There is a volume one? Why would anyone buy this unless they were the grand prize winner or runner up that season? I imagine they probably already got a copy of it on video for being on the show anyway. Really, maybe an America's Funniest Home Videos: The Grand Prize Winners, but a new DVD that implies I'm going to want to start cataloging this crap at home?

WHO decided there was a market for this? I know it's great to have TV on DVD now. Go back and watch all the episodes you missed or want to share with someone of Xena: Warrior Princess. What are you going to do with THIS DVD?

Can anyone truly tell me which clip of a man getting hit in the nuts by his child was the best? Like Trekkies who can quote specific episodes, are there people out there who would argue that the man getting hit in the nuts by his son in season 3, episode #46 is way more "Funniest" than in season 13, episode #483?

Does this DVD have deleted scenes of Mr. Saggat trying to do some of his original stand-up routine? If you've seen it, it's nothing like this show. How about scenes they couldn't show you on television like when I was hiding in my parents closet as a kid and then they decided that would be a good time to be intimate. I may have ensured my "middle-child" status that day.

Maybe there's episodes where someone sent in a video clip of someone dying or getting horribly wounded by uncle jackass's stunts but they couldn' show you on TV. What are we to look forward to next? A DVD of COPS where the criminal got away and the cop was shot in the back after his emergency brake failed and his cruiser provided no cover for him as it sunk into the marina?

Look I've seen AFHV and I remember cats falling off of televisions and someone riding a snowmobile into a ditch. I remember parrots acting like they're drunk and children singing a song until they realized they were being taped, then screaming in horror of the embarrassment(This may have only happened after the first season). I remember that dude who cried during his own wedding and the other guy who passed out reciting his vows. I remember when grandma broke her hip and when grandpa thought it was cool to take out his glass-eye at family functions. I remember when my older sister called from college saying that she wanted to drop out and become a Gypsy. I remember when Schneider made the announcement that a celebrity had just moved into the building, a race car driver named Cam Randolph. I remember when the PTA rejected the Seavers as dance chaperones. I remember when we all went to Mankato and paw and Mr. Edwards realized Rose had been kidnapped, but ended up finding her on Christmas Eve.

What I'm saying is that these are MY Favorite memories are not for sale on some DVD for the world to share. That's what makes them so special or funny or embarrassing. Putting them out there for the entire world is just obnoxious. No thank you. I'm saving up my money for Girls Gone Wild, Volume 7.

THE FUCK YOU LAUGHIN' AT?

2005-07-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Did I ever mention how people suck? Hanging with your friends is one thing, but when you're looking for a good time at the office, if it's anything like my workplace, it's no damn good. Most of the people in my office have worked there 20+ years. They grew up together in the same town and are probably related within 4° of separation. They aren't my favorite people in the world, but I spend more time with them than anyone else. I got this idea that it would make things easier for me if I got them to like me.

Humor is a great way to let people know you pose no threat to them, unless you're made to feel like a total ass any time you open your mouth. My attempts at making people like me at the office have failed horribly for one reason or another. Here's some of the ways I have let them down:

Forgotten Punchline - I walk into the office and I just know this is it. Once I tell them this joke, they're going to start refering to me as "The Jokeman". They're going to start relying on me for all of their daily humor. I'm excited and can't wait to lay it on them. Here comes "Mr. Soon-to-be-popular". I'm already thinking of the people I'm gonna snub.

Well it doesn't get a lot funnier than someone who's laughing so hard at their own joke they can't even tell it, unless I can happen to wrap it all up with a "Wait, how's it go again?" or "So then the horse says...no wait the guy says to the horse...that's not how it goes. Damnit! Where are you going? Bill?...hooh, Bill?"

At that exact moment, people don't think the water cooler is that fun to hang around and just start walking away pretending they were never there and you're not still talking.

Later on I was reaching into the office pop corn bag and these two bitches pulled the bag away from me. The one with the big hairy mole on her face said "We'd really appreciate it if you could please wash your hands before you reached into the bag" or just bring my own popcorn to work.

Had to Be There - Okay, this one is sure to have them calling me "Mr. Spectacular Fantastic". How about the greatest laugh of all time that you can never relive. You try to explain to someone how much you and your friends were laughing, "I'm serious, blood shot out of Rico's eye socket and someone had to go home early for shitting his pants."

Now you've got their interest, but to tell them the story about how you got kicked out of DENNY'S® within two minutes of getting your table at 1am when you were 16, they hold their heads in a disgusted frown only moving their eyes wondering if anyone thought the story was amusing so they can start ignoring them too. Sometimes it's just best if you have the sense to never bring it up again, but you have to redem yourself right? The only thing that ever sounds right is, "Well I guess you had to be there...It's probably best that none of you were."

I Cunt Here You I read somewhere that in prison the best way to survive is to find the biggest jerk in there and hold your own against him. This will gain you respect. So I go up to "Senora Farts-don't-stink" and I try to befriend her.

Ever been busted out on this one? Laughing at someone's jokes only to have them ask you what did I say that was so funny?

I walk away in shame only to realize I was beaten by a girl, and she's going to be riding my ass from here on out.

SCOREBOARD:
Senora Farts-don't-stink - 1
Mr.Spectacular Fantastic - 0

Mistaken Punchline Along the same lines, maybe not quit as embarrassing, but uncomfortable nonetheless. I caught myself laughing at someone only to realize that's not what was said at all?

Hot Topic - how about the critical thought you've put into something topical you heard about on the news today. You put a little bit of your own spin into it and nobody gets it. Aparrently you're the only one who listens to Opie & Anthony on your way to work, but come on somebody has got to laugh at a dumpster full of dead babies,right?

Pity Laugh What if you're on the other side of a joke you don't get. At least try to laugh. That's all they want right?

I spend too much time laughing at other people's joke when they're not funny only hoping someone will do the same for me. I'm just goin to put the headphones back on and talk to no one like that guy eating the cereal on the commercial where they're trying to fire him. Don't these assholes know I used to be a big shot at my old job? My mom still thanks I've got it. Guess I'll try again tomorrow.

CHINESE, JAPANESE - LOOK AT THESE!

2005-07-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

mmmMMMMMmmmm...I just made myself some pork chops for the first time in my life. They're excellent.

PORK CHOPS. Pooooooorkkkk...Chooooppppsss.

Here are some other hilarious* terms that I did not make up**:

• Amputatious - Worthwhile of loosing a limb or other important body part. (I.e. Trying to conceal his erection with his sweater, Javier proclaimed "She's so amputatious, I'd give my left nut just to fuck her in the mouth.")

• Complexications - Complex fuck up. Often used in a demeaning, blaming manner.

• Dumples - Dimples on a fat ass; very hard to tan.

• Elemenopeeing - Slurring "L" "M" "N" "O" and "P" together when doing the alphabet at 3am on the side of the road.

• Ginkobalowme - Negative term used for a placebo that most likely had someone fooled.

• Hyprocrat - Anyone involved in politics who has no business being involved in politics. Most likely a Hollywood actor.

• Puntangy - Really great tasting. (i.e. Trying to conceal his erection with his sweater, Jesus proclaimed "Javier, your moms chops sure were puntangy last night."

• Viagrable - Unattractive. Could only keep one's excitement with a full dose of pills that keep showing up in my fucking e-mail from people whom I've never met. (I.E. Dude, she ain't even viagrable.)

• Wuzzat - Usually spoken with a disgusted squint, the natural response when first hearing "wazzup" and can't figure out what was just said by someone previously thought to be cool.

• Yodiot - Any Dumb-ass who think it's funny to talk like their favorite Sci-Fi character.

TRY TO USE AS MANY AS YOU CAN IN ONE POST!

*I may be speaking out-of-line, but I think you should laugh.
** Please note: I am a very bad man who often lies, however I am quite Amputatious.

THE GREATEST INVENTIONS - PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE PERFECT

2005-06-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

GREAT INVENTIONS:

The Apple Slicer - Cuts to the core and omits the seeds. Yummy.
The LightSaber - Once an ancient weapon used in a galaxy far far away by Jedi Knights. Now a noisy, cheap, plastic replica. Why couldn't I have it this nice when I was a kid?
Barcodes - My first tatoo is going to be my KROGER PLUS CARD barcode. Now that's convenience!
The Toilet Handle Flusher Thing - Say goodbye, shit! Sure anybody can poop in a hole, but this permanent household fixture creates a quick, responsible, safe way to ensure no one has to deal with your shit ever again, right?
The Internet - I don't ever need to leave the house anymore. I can work from home and date from home and even shop from home. WOW!!! I just got Results 1 - 10 of about 76,000,000 for my favorite food. I'm gonna look up blowjob.
God - Before the one all powerful, there were many spiteful and angry. Fortunately now we've all come to understand the truth and everybody is happy. Thanks God!
Irony - I use it mostly as a guideline to let me know just where my life is headed next.

HONORABLE MENTION:

The Cellular Phone - Would be a great invention if I didn't move out of my calling range while standing still.

GREAT INVENTIONS TO COME:

The Digital Life Recorder(DLV) - Fast-forward, rewind, record, slow down and even pause all of your life's best moments for real.
The Car Made Out Of Water® - "Holy fucking shit! I'm driving a car made out of fucking water! Yippie yahoo hooray! This is the best day ever! Lick my butthole, Mr. President of America!"
The Instant Karmalizer - This ought to keep everybody from being such pricks! Forget to turn your signal on - Loose a wheel. Steal from a friend - Loose an eyeball. Sleep with your neighbor's wife - fated to eat your own genitals. And it's instant! So no one questions if they're just unlucky or in the wrong place at the wrong time when their house burns down after scratching a neighbors car while parking.
The Gaydar Jammer™ - Seriously, who really needs to know your business?

OH, YOU'D LIKE MY CAT

2005-06-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

How is it that people think they can convince you to like something that you have strongly disliked for years?

"I don't like cats."

"Oh, you'd like my cat." they say.

"Really? I'd like your cat... We're all different people with different dreams, ideas, and opinions. But we all have someone like you in our lives who decides we need to be a bit more like YOU are. Well every time I've tried sweet potato since kindergarten, I've thrown them up. What makes you think that the shear mention of the word doesn't make me sick to my stomach? I'm sure I'd love YOUR casserole or pie or whatever the fuck you make out that horrible horrible Earth-poop.

I'd like YOUR cat?!!! I have a cat and I don't even like IT. What makes you think your cat is any different than any other cat? Is it because it isn't really a cat?

Ohhhhhhh, you mean that cat?"

I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE

2005-06-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

Oh really? Well here are a few scenarios where you may not want to subscribe to the aforementioned ideal:

• Going down on a prostitute

• A friend suggests that you donate blood just before a night of binge-drinking

• You're dared to rub tobasco sauce into your nose, eyes and butthole

• Going into work without any pants, where normaly you would wear pants

• Kidnapping your neighbor because she will never sleep with you again

• Carrying a concealed weapon to traffic court

• Starting your own nude beach in the backyard

• Watching porn with your mom

• Eating just one potato chip

• Running a marathon with an ingrown toenail

• Sewing your friend's crack shut in their sleep

• Calling a cop a "Pig" as you drive by with a million dollars worth of uncut coke in your vehicle

• Stealing from a handicapped child, someone already beat you to it

• Publishing a blog 'cause you think you're so damn funny

As you may have guessed, with the exception of stealing from the child, these are all things you'll need to start doing on a regular basis, and trying them once just won't cut it.

Please note: Despite what my blog may suggest, I have done none of these things.

PLAYER 2 NEEDS FOOD BADLY!

2005-06-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

I miss the old days when you could go into a video game arcade, find that guy who was always playing the four-player Gauntlet game and pump quarters into it to play beside him. The idea of cooperative play with someone you'd never met before was pleasing. I had met that guy before and he was a prick. He thought people loved to play along side of him because he rocked at all the games. I preferred to select all the remaining characters and take off running, deserting my hopeful companion. If you know the game, you'd know why you had to run; never walk away.

A MOONLIT RUN

2005-06-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

The day was hot, but the night was perfect for a run. When I started out the sun was still setting, but the moon was as luminous as it would be the rest of the night. The fireflies were myriad like I had escaped to an enchanted meadow never before touched by another. I relaxed into a peaceful smile. I felt as if my journey in life had lead me to this point to discover some real meaning. As I progressed through the night, I felt little pain.

I remember my last run was uninspiring. I was poorly hydrated and tired. My mind was occupied with defeating feelings of loss. I couldn't release the thoughts of workday stress. I was consumed with worry and even loneliness. I had asked myself, Is this the path I have taken in life, and was this all the distance I traveled? Had I become the person I had always envisioned? Was I running away from something or trying to catch up to my potential?

Tonight was different. I ran strong like I was finishing a race despite the distance I had traveled. After some time I felt sore, but I felt no exhaustion. Like bread-crumbs of my journey, I drenched the pavement with the worries of my life, but there was no turning back...not tonight. Nothing was going to stop me this evening. I felt empowered. This was the best run so far. This was the run of my life. With every step I knew I was progressing on my path.

Maybe it was the inspiring magnificence of the world preparing for the night all around me. Maybe it was the feeling of finally running on my own, leaving my last love behind on my own terms. Maybe it was the new unfamiliar trail I had stumbled upon. Maybe it was the neighbors crowding around my trail chanting, "YEAH!!! Ruuuuuuun! You better run, cracker-ass cracker!"

Yeah, that was it. Nothing motivates like fear. Next week I think I'll run from a stray dog or maybe even the cops.

FINALLY (Part 2)

2005-06-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hollywoooooood!!! You finally caught on! You've given us movie sequels such as:

• Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
• Jaws 4: The Revenge
• Seed of Chucky
• Amityville 3-D
• Batman & Robin
• City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
• Back to the Future III
• Breakin'2: Electric Boogaloo

And if that weren't enough you decide to tell the story backwards with such movies like:

• Excorcist: The Begining
• Tarzan II
• Star Wars: Phantom Menace
• The Lion King 1½
• Batman Begins
• Red Dragon
• Dumb & Dumberer

There isn't much difference between the two lists above. Some did well, some did better! Hollywood, you've been able to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm sure I could do the same thing with a six-million dollar budget.

Maybe it's all that Lucas guy's fault. I mean after Superman 3, people were all "Wow, they've really stepped in it. I won't be seeing another one of those movies", because it was a sequel. But after The Phantom Menace, a prequel, people were actually thinking, "Man that one stunk. Maybe the next one will be better."

Now the true test cometh. I dare you to make these prequels, hollywood:

• Robocop: Regular Cop
• The Karate Kid: Miagi's Illegitiamte Children
• Look Whose Talking: Daddy Drank
• 1983 A Space Odyessy: Earth
• The Friday before last
• The Piano: The God Damn Piano
• Pretty Woman: Sex Change

ps. seriously thanks for Batman Begins. That one rocks.

YOU ROCK!

2005-06-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

You support our troops overseas fighting for our freedom and hope for their safe homecoming.

You appreciate that there are POWs that may never return, but you pray they will find their shinning light that leads them back to us.

You recognize those who have fallen in battle as "Gone but never forgotten" because you know how precious life and freedom are.

You respect The Fraternal Order of Police and it's more than 318,000 members. No one knows the dangers and the difficulties faced by today's police officers better than the FOP.

You and me, hey we even listen to the same radio station. We're probably listening to the same thing right now.

You're from Montgomery County. I was born in Montgomery County!

You drive a green 2005 Honda Civic Hybrid Sedan. Green because you recognize how much we rely on this Earth. A hybrid because you've done your research and realize that every little bit can help preserve our dwindling supply on finite resources.

You express yourself capaciously though, when you cut everybody off around you on the road. That's not the kind of freedom our troops are fighting for, Asshole!

Maybe you just borrowed a friend's car, that would explain why you can't find the turn signal switch. But who the hell puts a dream-catcher on their rearview mirror?!!! Are you planning on catching a couple of ZZZZs on your way to pick up the kids? You egomaniacal prick!

SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY!!!

2005-06-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

This isn't new, but I dare anyone to randomly find a better website. Wether you're a true believer or a skeptic, this site will move you in one way or another.

Jesus!!! With you always

I welcome your comments and look forward to feedback on this truely astounding website.

CATCH A TIGER BY HIS TOE

2005-06-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

You can't control anyone in this world except yourself...and some even have issue with that. I mean there's no point in trying to stop people from being assholes at work, on the street or even online. Even the very blood we raise turns on us sometimes. Sure there are cases where we can just ignore it, but there are some times where we really feel like we're making the world worse off by turning a blind eye to it.

Let's take a look at Online Sexual Predators. These bastards could be anywhere. And they are everywhere. I mean I don't know any, but I know of many. Now wait, I'm not saying I lead a sheltered life. I could know some if I wanted to. You know what? I probably already do. And that's just my point so far. We never really know where they are, and we can trust no one. Well here's how to turn the tables on these fuckers and make our online experiences more enjoyable for everyone. If all who qualify just do it once, word will spread around and we'll have greatly reduced the horror that these scoundrels create.

QUALIFICATIONS

You have to not be an online sexual offender
You should be a person of immeasurable strength
Own a computer with Windows 95 or later or Mac OSX
You will need access to the Internet and will want to check out some online "prey", if you will, to understand our victims
You will need a strong stomach for such things as cutesy baby-talk and being drenched in another man's blood.
You need to be a person who enjoys travel, fun and adventure

THE GAME PLAN

Step 1 (Set the trap)
Post yourself on any one of the websites geared toward making friends., not as yourself, but as a confused, lonely and attractive girl between the ages of 13-19. She doesn't need to be attractive, but good things come to those who bait. Am I right? Fellas? Ha ha you know it!

So grab a picture of a friend's family member or just take a picture of some hottie running down the road. Make it a casual drive-by. A good approach is to honk and wave. When they turn to wave back out of confusion take the shot. If nothing else they will be flattered by the attention.

The more pictures that you take, the better. If you get the pictures from a friend, go through a photo album when they're not around and snag a few more for your collection. If you're photographing a complete stranger off the street it may be best to leave the car for some really good action shots. Don't worry they'll understand it's for a good cause. If they're cool with it, you may want to bring along an opened bottle of liquor from your car too. This will greatly increase believability as you rarely see any of these horrible little brats online without some sort of alcoholic beverage in their hand. Just ask them to pose with it for a few shots. Let them take a few swigs to really capture the feel that their happy, comfortable, fun and young. Now this might seem like a good time to put the camera on a timer and get into some of these shots yourself. DON'T. It is imperative that your "Predator" not be able to recognize you when the two of you meet.

Alright so you've got some pictures and you're ready to go online. A name for your alter ego is not important. Just use the first name of the biggest bitch you knew in H.S. Now you'll need to populate your profile using suggestive and/or light-hearted phrases and words meant to be cute. Here are a few examples:

• ::giggle::
• I know I am adorable!
• Interests? well I might be interested in you.
• sooo... the other night... lol I got sooo drunk!!!!(I found this one on-line myself. It was posted by a 23-year-old male. He's no pray, but he exudes a feminine quality many of us will never reach)

Now to bring it all together. You'll want to post your interests to include the likes of: Tanning, Boys, Drinking, Shopping, Boys, Britney, Your Pet(This is a must), Boys Boys Boys!

Step 2 (Waiting)
Sit back and wait. They'll come to you. DON'T GO OUT LOOKING FOR THEM, by definition that disqualifies the whole "predator" thing.

Depending on the photo(s) you used this could take a little time. Conversely, if you find yourself swamped with replies ignore the totally vulgar ones. You're looking for the nice guy, "Just want to help you understand your feelings at this vulnerable time in your life" chumps.

Step 3 (Reel 'em In, Hot Stuff)
Your goal here is to acquire the transportation to meet your predator fist to face. You know both of you think you're hot shit, so keep your comments simple and sweet. Hesitate to answer many questions at first. Offer up an answer, then back out of it at the end. You want to make them feel like they're in control and they're leading you to open up to them. You may at times feel the urge to pull them straight through the monitor once you've identified your "predator" as such. Be patient and wade through the awkwardness of knowing you're now flirting with another man. This could take upwards of 6 months. Anything after six months, we don't really consider a predator. If done right he'll offer up a way for the two of you to finally meet. Now decline his offer. Talk a bit more until he brings it up again. This time give him a long pause like you're mulling it over. Then offer to take him up on the deal as long as the transportation both ways is paid in full by him. Two important notes: Don't ever agree to talk to him over the phone unless you're cool with the Cyrano approach and you've got a girl who can pull it off. Also don't ever agree to meet anywhere near your REAL address(of course you'd never tell him your real address).

Step 4 (Live it up, sweetie!)
The hard part is over. By now you should be kicking back and looking forward to a free trip, depending on how well you negotiated the travel plans/expenses. And even if you didn't do the greatest job, your travel expenses should definitely be paid off. So why not use this time to really pamper yourself. You deserve it.

When you pack, pack light, but don't forget to bring something to really mess them up. In some cases you really may not get all of the time you'd like to with the SOB, so bring a "deal breaker". This is any device that will really bring the message home that the deal's off, he's a sicko, he's been tricked by you, and you don't appreciate what he does. Remember too, it's got to be travel friendly.

Step 5 (Go Berserk)
So wherever you decide to meet up with your "predator" make sure it is a nice quiet place where you won't be interrupted. Now remember he has never seen you before, so you can follow him a great distance with ease. Wait for just the right time and start a diversion, you know just to fuck with him. Ask him the time or bring a pic of the girl you're posing to be. Show it to him and let him have it!!!

You definitely want to hospitalize them, but never go overboard. Remember if you kill the man, no one will be left to spread the word. Once you're comfortable you've worked him over enough to be helpless, make sure you get a few good blows with your bare hands. If you feel the need to defecate, resist the urge. I've been watching a lot of CSI lately and I'm pretty sure they can trace it back to you. If you've got the time, feel free to go all out with their humiliation and label them as an online sexual predator somewhere where they can't hide it. A knife or even a sharpie marker could really work well. This helps them to remember why and what the fuck happened to them should you have knocked them unconscious early. When you're done make sure to wipe your feet of the day's struggle on their nuts. You don't want to be tracking anything all over. That's called evidence.

Doin' it one ass-clown at a time, rest assured that you've done your part. If you've carefully followed these guidelines, no one will have to worry about that one again. They'll be too afraid to ever get online and try that shit again. The seed of doubt has been planted and now they'll be the ones too frightened to tangle with the www. Look we'd be crazy to think we're going to save the world. If we really put all of our effort into this we can free up the Internet so that teenage girls can feel free to express themselves and get to really have a long-lasting, healthy relationship with hard-working, decent older men.

This is a risky mission and at some points may seem dishonest or wrong. Well this is not for everybody. It's really just for those of us with unfailing rectitude who are passionate and care to stay focused on what is at stake and what needs to be done to make this world a better place no matter the cost. If we do it just right, it will be the predators who will be afraid to leave the lion's den. This is going to be like pinching the tippy-top part of the baseball bat when all done. It's the end all to all arguments and you can't do nothin' about it, man.

Please Note: a clean police record is not necessary.

GO BLOG YOURSELF!

2005-06-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

This is a place saver so I can remember to come back and write(or right) a post based on this title. It's also a call out to claim this as a killer title that I came up with first. So now all I need is the body. Ha ha, cake...any suggestions?

I'm leaning on trashing "The Bloggies."

IS THIS WORKING?

2005-06-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

Is this working?*

*This was just a test to see where the hell stuff was going to end up. Then some anonymous smart-ass had to go and post a comment answering my question for me. Now if they had said something like "Good luck, fella." or "Welcome aboard, can't wait to see what you've got for us" I could have easily dismissed it and erased this entry. No this chum-guzzler had to go and say the first thing that came to their god damn dart-suckin' lips(Notice it skipped right over their mind). Now I gotta be the bigger person and keep their lame-ass comment posted on my special new blog for all of eternity. So much for a clean blank slate. GOD I HATE TAKING THE HIGH ROAD. Thanks fuck wad!!!

p.s. I'm not some editor from a prissy clothing facility, so bite me if I punctuation inside the quotes or forget to make any sense what-so-ever.