Serious Bullshit!

SO I'M DOIN' THIS CHICK

The Wind-Up
Have you ever watched a horrible movie, but for some reason you felt you had to sit through it just to see where it was all leading? How could all this possibly end well? I was in a relationship like this once, unfortunately it didn't last for two hours, but two weeks. This is a kiss and tell horror story, that for once I didn't make up. I'll protect all the names of the innocent by remaining to call myself Jagamar and referring to Susan Mayer of 1422 Tranquility Ln, Delaware OH, 43320-1447 as "Asil".

The Pitch
We hit it off pretty well. We're the same age. We're both gorgeous supermodels who have to force ourselves to eat candy bars so our clothes still fit. We both thought I was great in the sack. We live real close to each other... Ummm, in hindsight that might have been all we really had in common. She thought that was more than enough to run with.

Foul Ball
On our first outing, I made my first mistake. She invited me back to her place and I refused to sleep with her. Oblivious to how horrible I was making things look I repeated this on our second time out. Apparently my lack of interest was viewed as "You're so special I wouldn't dream of deflowering such a perfect angel this early in our relationship."

Well we all believe what we want to believe. That's why I stuck around as long as I did. I had never had anyone tell me such amazing and wonderful things about myself. She would tell me how great I was at everything. I'll try to be vague for those of you who know me and would really rather not envision me in certain situations, but when I said everything, I meant "Everything". Yeah, I mean I did eventually give in to that too.

Strike One: The Jew Dog
I went to a friend's house and brought Asil along. We were talking about Hebrew National Hot Dogs, which she affectionately called "Jew Dogs." I acted all embarrassed and said to Asil while pointing at a friend of mine, "Asil, SHE'S a Jew Dog!"

Later, halfway through the drive home she explained to me how she hoped she hadn't offended anyone with the "Jew Dog" comment. I let her know I was just kidding about that. She got upset and told me she didn't know my friends and felt like she was the butt of my joke. I explained to her how she didn't really know me either then, because I would never say "She's a Jew Dog" within listening distance of the accused.

The Change Up
For someone who was so amazing in her eyes she sure wanted to change a lot about me. I'm not used to that and was put off by it immediately. I had only known of this woman for three weeks and she was planning to:

•Change my wardrobe
•Have me get a manicure
•Meet my son/Not Meeting my son
•Have me meet her parents
•"Spend more time together"

Strike Two: The Babysitter
"You need to get a babysitter, so we can spend this time getting to know each other more."

I agree we do need to get to know each other better, but I've never met anyone worth sacrificing my time with my son after just two weeks of dating. Besides my time with my son is not my time to sacrifice.

Heckling The Batter
I'm no player. I really have no game. If anything I'm just careful not to get hurt or lead anyone on. I tried to use my wording best I could. I was as direct as I could be within the awkward situation I had been placed:

"That was the best first date I've ever had. Is that the best first date you've ever had?" - Asil

"..." - Jagamar(I was trying to keepmy eye on the road)

"Wow, that is just so amazing. I have never had orgasms that deep and amazing before. Don't you think this is the best sex you've ever had?" -insane

"I really enjoyed it" - the uncomfortable nodding jerk

"Would you call what we're doing fucking, or making love?" -crazy insane

"Ahhhhh...I call it sex" - the typical male

"Well at least we know we're sexually compatible." - girl who accidently slipped herself her own GHB

"I could tell that when I saw you had boobs." - insensitive prick

Covering The Bases
After hearing how much she had so quickly drawn herself to me, I felt obligated to tell her:

•We do need to get to know each other better
•With all of the greatness you see in me already, I hope I don't disappoint you
•I don't think I'm as great as you think I am(Not in bed, I do rock!)
•Sometimes I still forget your name

Strike Three: You Whore!
A late night of drinking led to a line at Taco Bell, per her request. On the way home in the car, she says to me that guys are in relationships for sex and girls are in them for a closer, stronger connection. It's true that most men ARE pigs, but I couldn't let her get away with saying something like that. After a short battle of "Nu'uh and Ah'uh" I politely stated that she was way more into sex in our relationship than I was. She then relayed to me that I was being a dick. To which I responded in a less than polite way, "Not any more than you're being a bitch." She passed by my place and drove herself home telling me that I could sleep alone tonight. As she exited the car I told her to take her drink with her because I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with it. It wasn't clever. If anything it was a set-up for her to get in a good one before she left. She didn't take it, but she did tell me off nonetheless.

Apparently she thought I was calling her a whore. Here's the equation I've come up with to support her theory:
XY=W=A, whereas XY=All Men; W=Whores; A=Asil; Asil=Susan Mayer (614)367-1503.

Good Game, Good Game
Well I knew all along that she cared about "US" a bit more than I did. I thought to myself, maybe I'll get there too. It never happened. What started out as less than a friendship had finally come around full circle in just two short weeks.

I'll end this now with our parting text messages I started just to show "No Hard Feelings":

"Sorry about the way things worked out last night. Sorry I let you down. Guess I'm not who you thought I was after all. Don't hate me. I meant you no harm." - Jagamar

"No you are not you chose to be an asshole you were nasty rude and disrespectful." - Asil

"Clear 2 c you're still upset. Truly sorry this affected you this way, nothing else. I wasn't trying to apologize about my behavior. We were both out of line." - All-American Asshole

"I am deeply saddened with you" - A woman scorned

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 2:25 PM