Serious Bullshit!

THE FUCK YOU LAUGHIN' AT?

Did I ever mention how people suck? Hanging with your friends is one thing, but when you're looking for a good time at the office, if it's anything like my workplace, it's no damn good. Most of the people in my office have worked there 20+ years. They grew up together in the same town and are probably related within 4° of separation. They aren't my favorite people in the world, but I spend more time with them than anyone else. I got this idea that it would make things easier for me if I got them to like me.

Humor is a great way to let people know you pose no threat to them, unless you're made to feel like a total ass any time you open your mouth. My attempts at making people like me at the office have failed horribly for one reason or another. Here's some of the ways I have let them down:

Forgotten Punchline - I walk into the office and I just know this is it. Once I tell them this joke, they're going to start refering to me as "The Jokeman". They're going to start relying on me for all of their daily humor. I'm excited and can't wait to lay it on them. Here comes "Mr. Soon-to-be-popular". I'm already thinking of the people I'm gonna snub.

Well it doesn't get a lot funnier than someone who's laughing so hard at their own joke they can't even tell it, unless I can happen to wrap it all up with a "Wait, how's it go again?" or "So then the horse says...no wait the guy says to the horse...that's not how it goes. Damnit! Where are you going? Bill?...hooh, Bill?"

At that exact moment, people don't think the water cooler is that fun to hang around and just start walking away pretending they were never there and you're not still talking.

Later on I was reaching into the office pop corn bag and these two bitches pulled the bag away from me. The one with the big hairy mole on her face said "We'd really appreciate it if you could please wash your hands before you reached into the bag" or just bring my own popcorn to work.


Had to Be There - Okay, this one is sure to have them calling me "Mr. Spectacular Fantastic". How about the greatest laugh of all time that you can never relive. You try to explain to someone how much you and your friends were laughing, "I'm serious, blood shot out of Rico's eye socket and someone had to go home early for shitting his pants."

Now you've got their interest, but to tell them the story about how you got kicked out of DENNY'S® within two minutes of getting your table at 1am when you were 16, they hold their heads in a disgusted frown only moving their eyes wondering if anyone thought the story was amusing so they can start ignoring them too. Sometimes it's just best if you have the sense to never bring it up again, but you have to redem yourself right? The only thing that ever sounds right is, "Well I guess you had to be there...It's probably best that none of you were."

I Cunt Here You I read somewhere that in prison the best way to survive is to find the biggest jerk in there and hold your own against him. This will gain you respect. So I go up to "Senora Farts-don't-stink" and I try to befriend her.

Ever been busted out on this one? Laughing at someone's jokes only to have them ask you what did I say that was so funny?

"Hahahaa...What?"-Me
"Seriously, what part were you laughing at?"-Farts-don't-stink
"Uhhhh,the part you just said."-Me
"What did I just say? You didn't even hear what I said did you?"-Farts-don't-stink
"Uhhhhmm...let's,let's go."-Me

I walk away in shame only to realize I was beaten by a girl, and she's going to be riding my ass from here on out.

SCOREBOARD:
Senora Farts-don't-stink - 1
Mr.Spectacular Fantastic - 0



Mistaken Punchline Along the same lines, maybe not quit as embarrassing, but uncomfortable nonetheless. I caught myself laughing at someone only to realize that's not what was said at all?

"Dude, [did] you just say eggplant? That is hilarious!"-ME
"No, I said EXCELLENT, like Mr. Burns."-Jokester
"Oh"-Me

Hot Topic - how about the critical thought you've put into something topical you heard about on the news today. You put a little bit of your own spin into it and nobody gets it. Aparrently you're the only one who listens to Opie & Anthony on your way to work, but come on somebody has got to laugh at a dumpster full of dead babies,right?

Pity Laugh What if you're on the other side of a joke you don't get. At least try to laugh. That's all they want right?

"Next time I'll use a #1 iron, even God himself can't hit that!
...
Do you get it?"-Me

"Yeah, um I thought it was pretty smart. Hoh...I liked it."-Bitch Who Thinks My Hands Are Too Dirty For The Office Popcorn

I spend too much time laughing at other people's joke when they're not funny only hoping someone will do the same for me. I'm just goin to put the headphones back on and talk to no one like that guy eating the cereal on the commercial where they're trying to fire him. Don't these assholes know I used to be a big shot at my old job? My mom still thanks I've got it. Guess I'll try again tomorrow.

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 10:28 AM