Serious Bullshit!

THE GREATEST INVENTIONS - PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE PERFECT

• The Apple Slicer - Cuts to the core and omits the seeds. Yummy.
  
  
  
  
• The LightSaber - Once an ancient weapon used in a galaxy far far away by Jedi Knights. Now a noisy, cheap, plastic replica. Why couldn't I have it this nice when I was a kid?
  
  
  
  
• Barcodes - My first tatoo is going to be my KROGER PLUS CARD barcode. Now that's convenience!
  
  
• The Toilet Handle Flusher Thing - Say goodbye, shit! Sure anybody can poop in a hole, but this permanent household fixture creates a quick, responsible, safe way to ensure no one has to deal with your shit ever again, right?
  
  
  
  
• The Internet - I don't ever need to leave the house anymore. I can work from home and date from home and even shop from home. WOW!!! I just got Results 1 - 10 of about 76,000,000 for my favorite food. I'm gonna look up blowjob.
  
  
• God - Before the one all powerful, there were many spiteful and angry. Fortunately now we've all come to understand the truth and everybody is happy. Thanks God!
  
  
• Irony - I use it mostly as a guideline to let me know just where my life is headed next.
  
  

• The Cellular Phone - Would be a great invention if I didn't move out of my calling range while standing still.
  

• The Digital Life Recorder(DLV) - Fast-forward, rewind, record, slow down and even pause all of your life's best moments for real.
  
  
• The Car Made Out Of Water® - "Holy fucking shit! I'm driving a car made out of fucking water! Yippie yahoo hooray! This is the best day ever! Lick my butthole, Mr. President of America!"
  
  
• The Instant Karmalizer - This ought to keep everybody from being such pricks! Forget to turn your signal on - Loose a wheel. Steal from a friend - Loose an eyeball. Sleep with your neighbor's wife - fated to eat your own genitals. And it's instant! So no one questions if they're just unlucky or in the wrong place at the wrong time when their house burns down after scratching a neighbors car while parking.
  
  
• The Gaydar Jammer™ - Seriously, who really needs to know your business?
  

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 12:30 PM