Serious Bullshit!

CATCH A TIGER BY HIS TOE

You can't control anyone in this world except yourself...and some even have issue with that. I mean there's no point in trying to stop people from being assholes at work, on the street or even online. Even the very blood we raise turns on us sometimes. Sure there are cases where we can just ignore it, but there are some times where we really feel like we're making the world worse off by turning a blind eye to it.

Let's take a look at Online Sexual Predators. These bastards could be anywhere. And they are everywhere. I mean I don't know any, but I know of many. Now wait, I'm not saying I lead a sheltered life. I could know some if I wanted to. You know what? I probably already do. And that's just my point so far. We never really know where they are, and we can trust no one. Well here's how to turn the tables on these fuckers and make our online experiences more enjoyable for everyone. If all who qualify just do it once, word will spread around and we'll have greatly reduced the horror that these scoundrels create.

QUALIFICATIONS

1. You have to not be an online sexual offender
   
2. You should be a person of immeasurable strength
   
3. Own a computer with Windows 95 or later or Mac OSX
   
4. You will need access to the Internet and will want to check out some online "prey", if you will, to understand our victims
   
5. You will need a strong stomach for such things as cutesy baby-talk and being drenched in another man's blood.
   
6. You need to be a person who enjoys travel, fun and adventure
   

THE GAME PLAN

Step 1 (Set the trap)
Post yourself on any one of the websites geared toward making friends., not as yourself, but as a confused, lonely and attractive girl between the ages of 13-19. She doesn't need to be attractive, but good things come to those who bait. Am I right? Fellas? Ha ha you know it!

So grab a picture of a friend's family member or just take a picture of some hottie running down the road. Make it a casual drive-by. A good approach is to honk and wave. When they turn to wave back out of confusion take the shot. If nothing else they will be flattered by the attention.

The more pictures that you take, the better. If you get the pictures from a friend, go through a photo album when they're not around and snag a few more for your collection. If you're photographing a complete stranger off the street it may be best to leave the car for some really good action shots. Don't worry they'll understand it's for a good cause. If they're cool with it, you may want to bring along an opened bottle of liquor from your car too. This will greatly increase believability as you rarely see any of these horrible little brats online without some sort of alcoholic beverage in their hand. Just ask them to pose with it for a few shots. Let them take a few swigs to really capture the feel that their happy, comfortable, fun and young. Now this might seem like a good time to put the camera on a timer and get into some of these shots yourself. DON'T. It is imperative that your "Predator" not be able to recognize you when the two of you meet.

Alright so you've got some pictures and you're ready to go online. A name for your alter ego is not important. Just use the first name of the biggest bitch you knew in H.S. Now you'll need to populate your profile using suggestive and/or light-hearted phrases and words meant to be cute. Here are a few examples:

• ::giggle::
• I know I am adorable!
• Interests? well I might be interested in you.
• sooo... the other night... lol I got sooo drunk!!!!(I found this one on-line myself. It was posted by a 23-year-old male. He's no pray, but he exudes a feminine quality many of us will never reach)

Now to bring it all together. You'll want to post your interests to include the likes of: Tanning, Boys, Drinking, Shopping, Boys, Britney, Your Pet(This is a must), Boys Boys Boys!

Step 2 (Waiting)
Sit back and wait. They'll come to you. DON'T GO OUT LOOKING FOR THEM, by definition that disqualifies the whole "predator" thing.

Depending on the photo(s) you used this could take a little time. Conversely, if you find yourself swamped with replies ignore the totally vulgar ones. You're looking for the nice guy, "Just want to help you understand your feelings at this vulnerable time in your life" chumps.

Step 3 (Reel 'em In, Hot Stuff)
Your goal here is to acquire the transportation to meet your predator fist to face. You know both of you think you're hot shit, so keep your comments simple and sweet. Hesitate to answer many questions at first. Offer up an answer, then back out of it at the end. You want to make them feel like they're in control and they're leading you to open up to them. You may at times feel the urge to pull them straight through the monitor once you've identified your "predator" as such. Be patient and wade through the awkwardness of knowing you're now flirting with another man. This could take upwards of 6 months. Anything after six months, we don't really consider a predator. If done right he'll offer up a way for the two of you to finally meet. Now decline his offer. Talk a bit more until he brings it up again. This time give him a long pause like you're mulling it over. Then offer to take him up on the deal as long as the transportation both ways is paid in full by him. Two important notes: Don't ever agree to talk to him over the phone unless you're cool with the Cyrano approach and you've got a girl who can pull it off. Also don't ever agree to meet anywhere near your REAL address(of course you'd never tell him your real address).

Step 4 (Live it up, sweetie!)
The hard part is over. By now you should be kicking back and looking forward to a free trip, depending on how well you negotiated the travel plans/expenses. And even if you didn't do the greatest job, your travel expenses should definitely be paid off. So why not use this time to really pamper yourself. You deserve it.

When you pack, pack light, but don't forget to bring something to really mess them up. In some cases you really may not get all of the time you'd like to with the SOB, so bring a "deal breaker". This is any device that will really bring the message home that the deal's off, he's a sicko, he's been tricked by you, and you don't appreciate what he does. Remember too, it's got to be travel friendly.

Step 5 (Go Berserk)
So wherever you decide to meet up with your "predator" make sure it is a nice quiet place where you won't be interrupted. Now remember he has never seen you before, so you can follow him a great distance with ease. Wait for just the right time and start a diversion, you know just to fuck with him. Ask him the time or bring a pic of the girl you're posing to be. Show it to him and let him have it!!!

You definitely want to hospitalize them, but never go overboard. Remember if you kill the man, no one will be left to spread the word. Once you're comfortable you've worked him over enough to be helpless, make sure you get a few good blows with your bare hands. If you feel the need to defecate, resist the urge. I've been watching a lot of CSI lately and I'm pretty sure they can trace it back to you. If you've got the time, feel free to go all out with their humiliation and label them as an online sexual predator somewhere where they can't hide it. A knife or even a sharpie marker could really work well. This helps them to remember why and what the fuck happened to them should you have knocked them unconscious early. When you're done make sure to wipe your feet of the day's struggle on their nuts. You don't want to be tracking anything all over. That's called evidence.

Doin' it one ass-clown at a time, rest assured that you've done your part. If you've carefully followed these guidelines, no one will have to worry about that one again. They'll be too afraid to ever get online and try that shit again. The seed of doubt has been planted and now they'll be the ones too frightened to tangle with the www. Look we'd be crazy to think we're going to save the world. If we really put all of our effort into this we can free up the Internet so that teenage girls can feel free to express themselves and get to really have a long-lasting, healthy relationship with hard-working, decent older men.

This is a risky mission and at some points may seem dishonest or wrong. Well this is not for everybody. It's really just for those of us with unfailing rectitude who are passionate and care to stay focused on what is at stake and what needs to be done to make this world a better place no matter the cost. If we do it just right, it will be the predators who will be afraid to leave the lion's den. This is going to be like pinching the tippy-top part of the baseball bat when all done. It's the end all to all arguments and you can't do nothin' about it, man.

Please Note: a clean police record is not necessary.

posted by John Q. Pubic @ 9:09 AM